Struggles of a Dreaming Realist

It sounds complicated, because it is.  I have entitled this post "Struggles of a Dreaming Realist", but that's really only a condensed title.  It could be "Struggles of a Christian Dreaming Realist Who Happens to be a Single Mennonite Young Woman Taught in a Conservative Church Environment, Always Too Concerned What Others Will Think of Her".  Now that provides a little more context.  But I think modern writing laws likely forbid such lengthy titles.

This is essentially an article that explains why I am the way I am, at least to the extent that I'm willing to share publicly.  I find myself in a transition phase of life once again, trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up, and how am I possibly going to get there.  I am 22, single, unemployed, and evaluating my options in terms of work and education.  I just finished a summer of volunteer service in NY, but find myself wading through the struggle again of finding my place, having to make ends meet, trying to find something I actually enjoy doing, and maybe breaking down some of the barriers in my life that keep me from greater things.

But it's not easy.  The challenges of circumstances, upbringing, and what has been drilled into my brain for the last 10 years doesn't make it easy.  I have come to a place where I don't have to worry for a second that people will shoot down my ideas and dreams.  I do that myself.  And I do that to just about everyone else that make suggestions to me for my life.  I only realized this in the last few weeks and months in the conversations I've had with various people.  They see my potential, the things I'm capable of, the knowledge, the ability, the talent and tell me about what I could do.  My response usually ends up being my well thought logical reasoning (ahem, excuses) of why it's not possible.

I wasn't always this way.  Eight years ago, I was going in 10th grade, and like everyone else, trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I had good grades and teachers had high hopes for me.  I was going to defy my cultural upbringing, go on to university, and build a successful career.  I took up a feminist flag and was going to follow my dreams.  I just hadn't ironed out the details yet.

Then life changed.  I had a spiritual breakthrough, started to home school, and a year later my dreams and life goals consisted of getting married, having a family and home schooling my children.  And I expected it to start happening fast, like, before I was 20.  (Are there ever prayers I'm thankful God didn't answer!)  With such a life ideal, there was no need to pursue a career.  Not only was there no need, it wasn't Biblical.  This was my way of thinking at the time.  So a post-secondary education at an institution was a waste of time and money that I didn't have anyway.  As a young woman, I was expected to stay at home, honour my parents, live a quiet life, prepare for marriage and wait until God brought my husband to me.  Oh, and no matter what happened, I had to be content!

Over the next few years, I swayed from this.  Prince Charming didn't come riding in before I was 20 and I was destined to become an old maid.  I began to toy with the idea of going back to school.  I had a love for writing and studying classic literature, maybe philosophy, and I wanted to do that from a Christian perspective.  But a visit to a university convinced me that for that, I was better off studying at home.  Besides, what if Prince Charming happened to show up during that time, or what if he would have come into my life, had I not gone off to pursue my education?  I hate to admit it, but the elusive prince was (and still is) always in the back of my mind when it came to making big life decisions.  I didn't want to do anything that might crush that dream and doom me to be single forever!

I started to become a rebel of sorts in my Christian surroundings.  I had grown in my faith under some solid teaching and had adopted some strong standards and convictions in everything from courtship, modesty, media, and Biblical womanhood, many for which I am incredibly grateful for.  But things tended to slip at times.  When tested, my convictions didn't stand.  I compromised.  And I realized many of the convictions I held to weren't actually my own.  I had only adopted them from others.  And when convictions are not your own, they don't stand the test.

And so I began to take risks and became more "me."  I would voice my daring opinions, do things others might not, and live a slightly more exciting life than some of the young people around me.  I tried new things and went places others hadn't.  There were some choices I'm very happy about, and there are also many I regret.  But today, I still find myself concerned for my reputation and what other people will think of me.

Please understand.  I want God's will for my life.  I really do.  However, God's will and the church's will can often get confused.  And when your ears are so accustomed to hearing the church's expectations and other people are pulling at you from different sides, it can be hard to discern God's specific plans for your life.  There simply is not a cookie cutter mold that fits for everyone.

At the present time in my life, I find myself very torn.  I desire God's will for my life in all areas.  I still desire marriage and a family, and I still want to focus my energy on raising and teaching my children, as opposed to being a working mom.  But that dream remains on a distant horizon.  In the past year and half, I have volunteered, traveled, and discovered great ways to use my gifts and talents.  I have had many people observe me and encourage me to use those skills and to find a good, well-paying job.  I have also had more encourage me to continue my education, so that I can pursue the better-paying careers and make the most of my skills and talents.

In one way, I'd love to.  These people have shown me that I have let a part of myself die.  They have dared me to dream again, to revive old interests and talents, and to become everything I could be.  And they mean well.  They really do.  And I appreciate them for that.

The problem is, the realistic thinker kicks in and explains the challenges of the rural area in which I live, the commuting distance for those better jobs, and how my lack of post-secondary education disqualifies me in the eyes of so many employers.  "Have you considered going back to school?", or something like that, is a question that comes up with increasing frequency.  And I continue to explain my circumstances.  Finances presently do not allow and I am incredibly adamant about living debt-free as far as I possibly can.  Besides, I can't decide exactly what I want to do, so I don't want to invest the time and money.  And if I do, I have to make sure that it doesn't conflict with my long-term family goals.  On and on I go, spitting out my reasoning, trying to make myself sound like an intelligent young woman, trying to convince them I'm right.  In the back of my mind, and in prayer, I continue to wrestle with what God's will for my life is.  And what about, what about...the prince?

Today, I sat down and explored some more educational options.  I'm trying.  I am.  I'm trying to evaluate which educational or career path would be best for me, what would be the best use of my skills and interests, what would open up the most opportunities.  Do I go for something that seems safe, or something I would really enjoy?  Something that would mean being out in the work force, or allow me to work from home?  There are many options, many possibilities, all of which are currently out of reach.

I made a plan about a month or so ago outlining how I was going to begin opening up opportunities for my life, how I was going to try things I've always wanted to learn, like swimming and crocheting, how I was going to study literature again and work on my writing skills again.  And yes, even buy my own flute and start playing again.  I put all these goals, these hopes, into charts and neatly prioritized and applied the finances required to see some of these dreams fulfilled, in the midst of all the other demands on my time and finances.

It felt good.  It felt good to dream again, to have a plan, to know I could go home and forge ahead, see things happen, achieve a level of success, accomplishment, and just do things I had so often wished I could.  But as so often happens, God showed me just how quickly he can turn everything upside down, and nothing but dust may be left of my dreams.

No matter how hard I try, no matter how great my dreams, and how much I plan, I'm not in control.  It means nothing if it's not what God desires for me.  And perhaps sometimes He sits on His throne, shaking His head, wondering "Why is she trying this again?"  I have seen God change my plans time and time again.

No matter what I do, life is still unpredictable.  Everything can change in a heartbeat.  The plans, the hopes, the dreams that once mattered so much can become entirely insignificant.

So what does this long rant and explanation of my life leave me to conclude?

I can try.  I can dream.  I can make plans and set goals.  But without God's leading, it means nothing.  I can put myself on the throne and force things, make them happen, no matter what the cost, but it will mean nothing.  I will not be happy or fulfilled.  And people would have no reason to applaud me for any of my accomplishments.  I could give all my time, resources and energy and perhaps attain success, but completely miss the mark!

So how do I respond?  I have but one choice that makes any sense.

If the Lord wills, I will.

"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." --Proverbs 16:9

Praying for Your Man

The girls in my youth group are going through a book study again, and one of the first things we were reminded of is the importance of praying for our future husbands.  Now, this was no new concept to me.  I've been doing it for years.  But it's something some girls do struggle with, or don't think of doing, so I will write about my experience.  (And yes, I am still single.  I have not seen my prayers fulfilled, but I know God is in the process of answering.)

For some, praying for a person you don't know is kind of weird.  Yeah.  That was probably the biggest struggle I faced when I started.  How do I pray for someone if I don't even know who he is, or don't know what's going on in his life?  The wonderful thing is, you may not know who you will marry, or what's going on in that man's life, but God does, and He cares about this area of your life.

You may not know the specifics of what is going on his life, but you can still pray.  You can start by praying that He would follow after God whole-heartedly. You can pray that he would be a man of the Word and a man of prayer.  What kind of character qualities do you want to see in him?  Pray that He will grow in those areas.  Do you want him to be part of a ministry or serving in an area of the church?  Pray for that. Pray that he would walk in purity, that he would flee from temptation and youthful lusts, that he would keep his heart, mind and body for you.  Pray that he would cut off sin from in his life and walk in holiness. Pray that God would use him in his single years for His service and glory.

Pray that God would direct his heart to you and have wisdom as to when and how to initiate and lead your relationship.  Pray that God would prepare him to be the spiritual leader and provider for your home, that he would have wisdom in raising your children when God so blesses you.  It's probably also wise to pray that your parents and other counselors in your life would have the wisdom to help you discern God's best for you, and allow yourself to be open to their counsel.  

Now, remember, this isn't all about who you want your husband to be.  Chances are you have lofty dreams of this man and, if you're smart, you're praying about some great and amazing things for him.  I know I do.  But if you want to marry Mr. Awesome, you have to be a woman suitable for him.  So instead of just praying for him, pray that God will prepare you to be the woman, the help meet that he needs.  Keep yourself pure, and conduct yourself in a way that would be pleasing to your husband if he was watching you.  Honour him, even now, with your life.  And keep yourself busy and productive, serving the Lord and others while you wait for God to bring you together.

I have prayed about all these aspects at some time or other, and most on a very regular basis.  I admit though that there are still times when I definitely feel stuck.  What do I pray for?  How do I pray about this man?  Sometimes I feel like I say the same thing over and over.  One of the things I have done at times is ask God how He wants me to pray for my future husband.  I ask God to lead me as I pray.  Something changes in the way I prayed when I do that.  At times, I don't understand why I am asking God for the things I am, but I trust it's His leading.  One day, the purpose of it all will be revealed to me.

It could also be that as you pray for your future husband, or ask God to lead you, that you will start praying in a way you don't necessarily understand.  You may start praying for qualities you otherwise didn't consider.  It may be that God will guide you to pray about someone specifically.  I don't know how God moves in everyone's prayer times.  I don't know what He will do when you seek His direction in this area.  But I encourage you to pray boldly, persistently, and daily about this area of your life.  When you marry the man you're praying for, you will enter into a covenant that is a representation of Christ's relationship with His church.  That's not something to take lightly, and thus, it's something to pray about diligently.

Some who will read this post will certainly be familiar with the song "Faithfully" by Eric and Leslie Ludy.  The idea of waiting faithfully is not a very popular one in our world.  Many may not understand why you're giving up pleasure now for something they don't believe exists, or why you're praying for someone if you don't even know who he is.  Listen to this song.  It may give you an ache in your heart, but I also hope that you will take the words to heart and commit to faithfully waiting and praying for your man.

Responsible Single: Take a Risk

Taking risks.  This is something a couple of friends have pointed out in my life.  When I was first told this, I was very surprised.  I have a very cautious personality.  When I do something, I like to be assured of exactly how it will turn out.  I want to know that people will still like me.  I want to know that I won't mess up and ruin God's plans for me.

So why do these people say I take risks?  It seems to be because I'm not afraid to be different.  I'm not afraid to share my opinions when I know they may not be popular among the people closest to me.  I've taken a risk in writing this blog series, because I know my words may not always meet happy ears.  Some people recognize my endeavor to organize a fundraising event, not knowing the outcome, and yes, that was a risky step for me to take.  So although I don't see this frequently in my life, there is an element of risk present.

Risk and responsible are two words that don't seem to even fit together.  Risk is generally the opposite of responsible, so why did I choose to write about this?  Because I think more young people need to take healthy risks.  I'm not advocating going and doing stupid stuff and hoping there won't be negative consequences.  Don't play with sin.  Don't try things that will more than likely harm others or yourself.  That's not responsible.

I do think that there is a measure of responsible risk, but many of us are too afraid to try it.  How about when it comes to obeying the Word of God?  It's easy to obey God when we know the outcome, but what if we don't?  Jesus never promised us peace and safety if we obey Him.  We take a risk when we obey His commands.  We take a risk when we sell all we have, give to the poor and follow Him.  We take a risk when we share the Gospel in many parts of the world.  We take a risk when we stand up for truth in North America, when we stand for life, when we speak out against various forms of immorality.  We take a risk when we tithe when finances are tight.  We take a risk when we trust God's will is best even when we can't see it and would rather go our own way.

But how many of these risks do we as single people actually take?  Are we willing to obey God when our friends may reject us?  Are we willing to stand for truth alone?  Are we willing to do something to make a difference in the world, even if no one supports us?

What I'm suggesting is taking risks in doing good.  These are difficult risks, but they stretch us and cause us to grow in our faith.  They bring us closer to God and cause us to trust in Him more.  They're not irresponsible.  I believe these are the kinds of risks God would desire we take more often, and I believe we would grow in many areas of our lives if we did.

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This concludes my Responsible Single series.  If there is something in particular you have been blessed by, feel free to drop me a comment.

Responsible Single: Get a Mentor

This is a post I have the pleasure of writing because of the special people God has placed in my life.  I have enjoyed having mentor figures in my life in the last few years that have helped shape me into who I am today.  Some have only been there for a short time.  With others my relationship continues to grow. 

If you're older and no longer single, I want you to listen to what I have to say.  We need you.  I'm often very saddened to see the lack of youth-mentor relationships in the church.  Sometimes the potential mentors in the church are busy with careers, family, young children, or their own life issues and just don't have time to give to spend walking a young person through the issues they face.  It's also not always easy opening up about where you're at and sometimes it's hard to find someone whom you trust enough to be vulnerable with.  Some people are very close to their parents and can share anything with them, but I don't have that close relationship and I have to look to others to take this role in my life.

The mentors in my life would likely not call themselves that.  They're more like friends that are about twice my age.  We don't get together once a week for one on one talks, but they do have me in their home and we share what is going on in our lives or we interact online.  The best mentors in my life right now is a couple from another church.  It's an interesting story how they came to be a part of my life a couple years ago,  through the man writing a book and wanting to sell it in the store I worked in.

The beauty of having this couple in my life is that I know I can trust them, share my struggles with them, receive guidance when making decisions, and when necessary, loving correction. I can trust I will be told what I need to hear, not what I want to hear.  They love me, walk with me and pray for me.  They set an example for me of a beautiful marriage and a godly home.  I feel like they have also allowed me to give back to them and I hope they see it that way too.  One of the reasons it has been such a blessing is that I not only have a woman to share things with, but I can get advice from a man's perspective. Of course discretion is necessary and certainly not everything that goes on in my life is appropriate to share with men, but his guidance has often been very helpful.

A lot of young people rely too heavily on the support of their peers when they're going through difficulties or need advice.  Friends are good and they may make you feel better, but since they're often going through the same things you are and don't have as much life experience, they may not be able to give you what you need to overcome what you're going through.  They may sympathize but not have the courage to correct you or walk with you. 

Sometimes you may have to initiate this mentor relationship.  It is much easier though when a couple shows interest in speaking into your life and walking with you first.  It's easier when you know they care because they do, not because you're asking them to.  I really appreciate it when someone invites me to have coffee with them, and I don't have to feel like I have to twist their arm for their time.

Whatever your situation is, find someone.  Find someone you can trust.  Find someone who won't tolerate sin in your life, someone you can invite to point out your blind spots, but can also trust to do so lovingly and walk with you. The Bible has a lot to say about seeking the counsel and wisdom of those older than you. Allow them to speak into your life and look for ways you can give back to them.  You will be blessed and I also believe that when life gets hard, you will continue to walk in truth.

Next Post: Keep Learning

Responsible Single: Meet a Need

In this post, I want to share something I believe is so important for not only young women, but for all singles.  We have great potential when it comes to meeting needs in our world.  We don't have the responsibilities of our own home and family yet, and although we do still face challenges, we are much more available to reach out and help others.

There are many needs that you can meet locally.  Often there are many ways in which you can serve in your church, whether it's helping in the nursery, library, or being part of a cleaning team.  There are ways you can help in your community, whether it's visiting elderly folks in a nursing home, helping at a soup kitchen or other local charity or outreach organization.  If you're part of a youth group or a university campus group, you also have extra support and numbers to do greater things and make it fun.

Although there are often many local opportunities to meet needs, I would encourage you to think globally and focus on issues that are bigger than your community.  Our lives in North America are usually very comfortable, but there are nations in the world that suffer from poverty, hunger, thirst, disease and the list goes on.  Millions of children are orphaned, plagued with AIDS, or trafficked and abused.  You may not believe the amount of people in our world who do not even have access to clean water and sanitation and as a result are plagued with constant illness.  Meanwhile, even in our own nation, children are killed because they're an inconvenient byproduct of their parents' actions. 

The need in our world is great, so much so that it is often quite daunting.  With such big global problems, it's hard to know how to even start making a difference.  But I encourage you to try.  I encourage you to connect with an organization that does something you feel strongly about, that is meeting a need, or connect with a group of other people, and do something to make a difference. Or just surround yourself with a group of like minded people and see what you can do.

Earlier this year, I organized a fundraiser to provide aftercare funds for survivors of human trafficking in India.  I knew that if I wanted to do something like this, now was the time.  Yes, I was busy, but I also knew that I would often have excuses and that I was more available now than I would be when I have a family.  I went to some mentors in my life for counsel, got a support group together, and made it happen.

I won't tell you what kind of cause to get behind.  You don't have to take up a cause per se.  But I do encourage you to do something that makes a positive, lasting difference in the lives of others.  I doesn't have to be thousands of people.  You may change just one life at a time.  It's not over when you get married, but I do believe we have a special opportunity now that we should not allow to pass us by.

"She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy." --Proverbs 31:20

Next Post: Get a Mentor

Responsible Single: Manage Your Finances

I get to dive into a fun topic today.  Actually, it's more of a stressful topic.  Managing finances.  I like money.  Money is good.  But it doesn't grow on trees, and sometimes we can't seem to make enough of it. As I have mentioned in my last few posts, I have learned how to manage small incomes and stretch my dollars.  It's not easy.  It wasn't easy at 15, and it still isn't.

When you want to manage your finances, you must start by defining your wants and needs.  For me, some of my needs are clothes, food, a roof over my head and a car to get to work.  Some of my wants right now would include things like a work desk for my room, a bookshelf, an e-reader (yes, I did say that!), a new wardrobe, etc.  For others it may be an iPhone, tablets, gaming systems, a dream house, etc.

Sometimes wants and needs become confused.  Many people think they "need" a cell phone.  I don't.  But I have wants that I think are needs and I get frustrated about things I can't reasonably afford.  Sometimes I have to go to certain work events and I feel like I don't have the right professional clothes, accessories or shoes, but I can't go to the mall and fluff up my wardrobe (although I do hope to do so Boxing Week).  As I write this, I'm going to a 50s themed youth banquet in a week and I have no dress to wear.  I'm frustrated because I don't want to be different, but it's currently not reasonable for me to spend a lot of money on an outfit for one evening.  Some mornings there's nothing good in the fridge to take to work, but I know I can't buy lunch all the time, so I make a sandwich.

Managing my finances means discipline.  It means denying myself a lot of things.  It means making sure my bills are paid before I get my wants.  It means making a sandwich instead of buying lunch, making coffee at home instead of stopping at Tim Horton's, and not buying the top I really want because it's so overpriced. 

Here's what I do to help me manage my finances.  Every month, I collect all my receipts, or I write down money I spend that I don't have receipts for.  At the end of the month, I sit down and put all my income and spending into an Excel spreadsheet.  I divide things up between my regular expenses (insurance, rent, fuel, tithe/donations, Internet, etc.), car maintenance, health expenses, groceries, eating out/snack food, clothing, books (that used to be a big one,) recreation/entertainment, etc.  Then I total each section, my income, expenses, calculate what's left over at the end of the month and hope it's not in the red.

Before I started doing this, I had no idea how much money I was spending on little things, like coffee or occasional lunches.  It helped me to see where I needed to make adjustments and what I should be reasonably spending in a month.  I could also see how much of my income was needed to pay necessary expenses.  This was an excellent tool when I was considering financing a car earlier this year.  I had a one year track record of my income and spending that helped me evaluate whether or not I could reasonably afford a car payment. 

I would also encourage you to get a savings account where a sum of money automatically goes into every month, and then don't touch until you really need it, or save it for a car, house, education, wedding, or whatever.  If need be, make an account that you can't withdraw from without calling in and requesting a transfer.  Also, use your credit cards wisely.  I'm not trumping credit cards.  I use mine all the time to save on service charges and occasionally for online purchases.  But remember it's not actually paid for when you swipe the card.  Don't use your credit card unless there's money in your chequing account to pay for it, and make sure you pay your bills on time.

Finally, live debt free as far as possible.  Don't finance anything that depreciates.  Houses are the exception.  If you can't write the cheque, don't buy it.  OWN your stuff.  This is something I have been very stubborn about, and I'm happy for it.  I've seen the burden debt leaves on people and don't want that hanging over my head.

I know this has probably been a bit to digest, but if you learn to manage your finances and budget your spending, I don't think you'll regret it.  Yes, it's hard.  But that's life. If you don't learn to manage your income now when you have yourself to look after, how much harder won't it be when you have a family to look after?  And again, if you manage your money wisely while you're single, I think you will appreciate what your husband will one day do in providing for your family much more.

Next Post: Meet a Need

Responsible Single: Own a Car

I bought my first car when I was 18!  I had to let go of it this past summer when I bought a new one and I miss it.  But oh well.  Going in hand with my last post on learning to drive, I'm also glad I own a car.  Knowing how to drive breaks down barriers in life, and having a car breaks down even more.  It took a couple years of saving for me, almost two years of driving my parents' minivan, and often getting rides to work, but the sense of accomplishment when I drove my Mazda home for the first time was great!

Not only does owning a car break down a lot of barriers in life, it's also a great way to learn responsibility.  So far, cars have been my biggest investment and it's a continuous investment.  A car is something you have to save for, then when you buy it, you may be either broke or have regular payments if you finance.  Then there's the insurance company to pay, fuel to put in the tank, maintenance, repairs, buy new tires for the winter, etc.  It sucks a lot of cash out of your pocket.  The good thing about it is that you learn to manage your money better when you know that a good chunk of your paycheque has to go to keeping a vehicle on the road.  It gives you a taste of what it's like to pay the bills.

Also, notice I say OWN a car.  If at all possible, I encourage you to pay cash for your car.  I was very happy I did this with my first car when my hours at work were cut back shortly afterward and my expenses increased.  There is no way I would have been able to handle any debt.  When I purchased my second car, I was initially going to finance.  I thought I had no other choice.  I wanted a real nice car this time.  But since I was only working part time, the bank wouldn't grant me a loan unless I lied about my income (which I was actually told to do).  That wasn't an option, so I had no choice left but to save my pennies and wait until I could again pay cash and not get my dream car. I had also calculated that even if I legitimately met the bank's requirements for a loan, I would have had to choke my other spending to meet my financial obligations and that was not a burden I wanted.

I do see a downfall of having a car.  Yes, it allows me to keep my job and be independent, but I would have a hard time having this independence taken away.  There's something I'm very afraid of right now.  I have seen young couples get married and have to move down to one vehicle to cut expenses.  That would be extremely difficult for me.  But I would understand the reason for it.  I know how much it costs to keep a vehicle on the road.  If you never have your own car, you don't have to worry about that.

Some young women are very privileged and their parents buy them cars, or have one they're always allowed to drive.  I haven't had that luxury and I'm actually happy for that.  I value what I've been able to learn through owning my own cars.  Just please don't take it away from me.

Next Post: Manage Your Finances

Responsible Single: Learn to Drive

This is a post I'm going to try to keep brief.  I believe it's important that young women learn how to drive.  I'm not sure why, but driving is something that tends to scare some girls, and therefore they try to avoid it.  Some girls don't learn to drive for other reasons.  Sometimes they think they will always be able to get rides with other people wherever they need to go.  Other times, they don't have someone who is willing to take the time and lend the vehicle to teach them.  Whatever the case may be, I encourage girls to put aside their reasons or try to overcome their obstacles and do it anyway.

When you're young and you always have someone to catch a ride with, not driving doesn't seem like such a big deal.  But there comes a time when you can't always be dependent on others.  There are times when people won't be there to take you where you need to go or when doing so will come at a great inconvenience to them.  Also, as people become more dependent on others, I believe they start to lose their appreciation for what others do for them.  They begin to have unreasonable expectations and fail to give back.

Being able to drive tears down a lot of barriers and obstacles in life.  It's a lot easier to get a job when you're able to get there on your own.  It's also a lot easier to commit to other activities when you know you have a way of getting there.  It can eliminate a lot of stress and pressure in your life and in the lives of your family and friends.  In short, it makes life a lot easier.

If possible, I would encourage you to take a Driver's Ed course.  Yes, it's expensive and the prices only keep rising, but I was so thankful that I could learn to drive with someone who had the patience and skill to teach me well.  It was great to have someone who didn't freak out every time I did the littlest thing wrong.  One of the best things about the course was learning to drive on the highway with a trainer.  I know some women who drive, but will refuse to set wheels on the 400 series.  The combination of high speeds, thick traffic and changing lanes just seems to be more than they can handle.  I admit it can be stressful.  I often have a very tense neck after driving through a big city.  But it's a lot easier when you know how to do it right, and there are times when taking country roads is just not practical.

Yes, there are times when you will make mistakes.  I hope that none of them will cause bodily injury to anyone or cause you to be in conflict with the law.  I have made some mistakes, (one recently cost me dearly), and although there are times when I have been afraid of driving for awhile, I have never wished I had never learned in the first place.  I have always been thankful for the ability and I don't think it's something you would regret either.

My next post goes in hand with this one.  Stay tuned for "Own a Car".

Responsible Single: Make Some Money

I'm going to get into a topic in this post that can be controversial in some Christian circles and that is young women getting jobs, or developing some other means of making an income.  Some Christians believe that women belong only in the home and should not be in the workplace.  I don't entirely agree.  I will share in this post what I have done in the past five years and what encouragement I have to offer single young women.

When I was 15, I started babysitting and this was my first small, somewhat consistent stream of income.  With that money, I completed a year of my secondary education and put myself through Driver's Ed.  From there, I had a couple short term jobs, before I got a part-time job at a local Christian bookstore where I was for almost three years. This year, I have taken on an administrative position (that came with a lot of non-administrative tasks) at a solar company that has stretched me to the limits at times.

Why should a single young woman go out and work?  I see several benefits to this.  First of all, it's not good to be idle.  Idleness breeds discontentment and sometimes unhealthy habits in our lives.  I know at times when I haven't worked much, even if it initially seems fun to spend most of my days at home, I quickly become depressed and restless.

Second, I think it's good to learn to meet your own needs.  In my home, I had to learn to do this much earlier than most young people, as my last paragraph indicates.  Through my small, part-time minimum wage income, I got my full driver's license, paid my insurance, purchased and maintained my own car, paid room and board, and paid for my other needs and wants.  I learned how to take care of myself.  I learned the value of work and money.  I learned what it takes to pay the bills and make ends meet.  I'm so glad I had the opportunity to learn this responsibility when I did.

Third, I believe it's good for young women going into marriage to understand the value of work and money.  So even if you desire to be a housewife, I think it's good to have some work experience behind you.  I fear that if a young women doesn't have this experience, she will not value what her husband does in efforts to provide for their family.  (And yes, I believe it is his responsibility to provide.)  She will not understand how difficult it sometimes is to stay faithful at a job and make sure there's money to meet expenses.  I fear she will in turn take advantage of what he does and what he brings home.

I said in my introduction that I would be honest about what I perceive to be disadvantages to the topics I cover, so I will take a moment to address that.  One of my fears for myself is that in working, I have become so independent, and so used to providing for my needs, I will have a hard time letting someone else do it for me.  Not that I would have a hard time staying at home while my husband works, but I fear that I will not feel like I deserve the money he works for.  I think I may at times feel guilty about spending our income on things beyond necessities that I want because I don't earn it.  This may not be a challenge for a young woman whose needs have always been met by her parents.

As I mentioned in my introduction to this series, the Proverbs 31 Woman was an entrepreneur.  She was a wife, mom, and managed her own business, making and selling goods.  She made money, she purchased land.  She was competent in financial and business matters.  If you as a young woman see an opportunity to pursue your own business venture, or be a part of a family business, I would encourage you to take it.  It's still a desire of mine.  Finding a job can be hard, but starting your own business is harder, and not everyone is cut out for it.  But I definitely see it as something that can be very beneficial when you're single or married.

Having said all this, I know it can be difficult to find a good job, especially if you want something in a good environment.  Depending on your education, skills, and geographic location, it can be even more difficult.  But I encourage you to make an effort.  You don't have to work full-time.  Although I do work full-time now, I do prefer to have more time at home where I can cook, bake, study, pursue my writing further and the like.  I definitely miss that often about my last job.  If possible, find something where you can not only use, but grow your skills and talents, a job where there are new opportunities in sight.  It may be hard at times, but it will prove to be much more rewarding.

In the end, the goal should be to be productive, to learn how to provide for your own needs and to understand the value of work and money.  I hope that whatever you pursue, you can learn, grow, and enjoy it all at the same time.

Next Post: Learn to Drive

Responsible Single: Learn to Cook

I'm tapping into another essential skill for single women, especially those aspiring to marry and have a family.  Learn to cook.  Learn to cook food that doesn't come out of a package.  And learn to do it without your mom having to tell you what to make or how.

Again, I've been privileged to learn to cook and bake under the guidance of a mom and older sister.  I started cooking because I wanted to, not because I had to.  And you know what?  If you don't take the first steps to learn, your mother might not force it on you, and you may end up striking out on your own with next to no abilities in the kitchen.

I can't lay out for you my 10 Steps to Becoming a Great Cook.  I don't have them.  I learned how to cook by doing and I'm still learning.  I learned by helping in the kitchen, doing the menial jobs I did not enjoy and still don't. (Does anyone else get annoyed with shredding cheese?)  Slowly I learned how to make meals on my own.  I learned to bake cookies, muffins, and cakes on my own.  And after some coaching I learned how to make bread by hand on my own.  I also learned over time that sometimes Mom knows better than the recipe, and sometimes common sense rules over the recipe.

Again, take advantage of the people in your home who can teach you and be patient to allow yourself to be taught.  If you have never cooked in your life, and you pull out a new recipe and head to the kitchen alone hoping to impress the family, halfway through you will likely be in tears, want to abandon the whole meal, and never want to cook again.  I remember instances where I have tried to impress and burned the blueberry muffins or ended up with a very dense loaf of bread.   Allow yourself be to taught.  Also, learn how to use the equipment right and safely.  Something like a pressure cooker can be a great tool, but if you don't know how to use it, you could really hurt yourself.

Something else I want to touch on is meal planning.  Cooking is half the job.  Serious.  No, actually a fraction.  Washing the dishes takes up half on its own.  Whatever.  The hardest part of cooking is often knowing what to cook.  To the amateur, this is difficult to comprehend.  It's something I used to not be able to understand.  Now I do.  Cooking isn't that hard, but planning meals that go according to everyone's tastes, preferences that day, ingredients you have on hand, and taking a budget into consideration is hard.  Especially when you have to do it an hour before supper and the pressure is on.

When I meal plan (which, to be honest, I haven't done much lately), I don't plan every detail of all three meals each day.  Rather, I will sit down and brainstorm a few meals to cook for dinner and make a grocery list accordingly.  I keep it flexible.  We keep breakfast simple, and lunches are usually comprised of leftovers or other things we can make quickly.  Not only does meal planning take the pressure off for each day, but it allows you to shop wisely and not go to the store every day for that one ingredient you don't have. You can incorporate variety into your menu (using different meats, flavours, side dishes, vegetables, etc.), and keep things financially balanced.  You may like pasta, but if you're making it every day of the week, or all your meals have a lot of expensive ingredients, you'll start running into problems. 

Having just written this, I feel like I'm trying to write advice for married women.  Please don't take it that way.  I have simply shared things I have learned, what I would encourage and why.  Cooking and meal planning is a skill that will greatly benefit you at home with your parents, or as a wife and mom.  You can help take a lot of work off your mom's shoulders and bless your family with great food.  I highly recommend that all young women learn to do it well.

Next Post: Get a Job!

Responsible Single: Manage a Household

I'm going to start my Responsible Single series with tackling a couple of the obvious topics, not only for being a responsible single, but also for preparation for marriage.  First off, managing a household.  Now I'm not saying you have to strike out on your own, rent an apartment and learn to manage YOUR household, although you may do that.  I'm sure it would be a great experience in many aspects.  You can learn to manage a household even while you're living at home with your parents.

I've been blessed to grow up in a home where my mom has taught me a lot of things.  Thanks to her, I know how to cook, clean, do laundry, make beds, wash piles of dishes and the like.  No, I don't do all the household tasks on my own, but I'm capable of doing so. (I will avoid ironing and sewing at all costs though.)  You can also learn to keep the yard neat and tidy.

These are not difficult tasks, but it's good to learn not only to do them, but to do them efficiently.  A few years ago I took up the task of babysitting a toddler while both parents were working, and often while he napped, I helped them out by doing some house cleaning.  When I started, it took me about an hour and a half just to clean the bathroom.  But after some practice and learning to plan and do it well, I was able to clean the bathroom thoroughly in at least half the time.  I also had a similar experience when I helped clean my church.  Learn to do tasks thoroughly and efficiently, and it comes only with practice.

Not having lived on my own, the best real life practice I've gotten of managing a household are the few times my mom went away for a trip and all family members left at home relied on me.  This has happened during times where I have been working part time, at times sick, and at times asked to babysit for half a day when I already was extremely busy.  I learned how much is actually involved when the family relies on me for everything, and I also learned what I'm actually capable of accomplishing in one day.  On top of that, I learned to really appreciate all Mom does.

I would encourage you to learn how to manage a home while you still have someone alongside to teach you.  You probably know of someone who has gone off to college or left home not knowing how to do anything.  It's a very difficult transition for them.  Let that not be the case for you.

Next Post: Learn to Cook

A Responsible Single: Introduction

Earlier this year, I wrote a blog post on being a responsible single.  I didn't publish it however for a few reasons.  In the last few weeks I have thought about turning it into a series that would be more effective and now I'm doing just that.  This is the introduction, and since I'm afraid my thoughts may be easily misinterpreted, I want to clarify what this is and isn't.

In the church today, there are many different opinions about what a woman's role is.  Some churches have no problem with women pursuing post-secondary education, a career, having a family later in later and committing their children to be raised and taught mostly by other people.  Others believe that a woman's place is strictly in the home, serving her husband and raising and teaching her children herself.  Whatever pattern is adopted by churches, whether verbally or quietly, really affects the way young women spend their single years.

I think young women in the church often face a lot of confusion and lack direction during their single years.  Many desire to get married and have a family and follow Pattern B, but they don't know when that will happen and they are unsure how to spend the in-between time after they have finished their secondary education.  Unfortunately what ends up happening is that girls spend their time idle, discontent, lacking responsibility, waiting for the day they're swept away by a man and have a home of their own, and I don't see this to be healthy.

Many Christians like to talk about the "Proverbs 31 Woman".  I hear a lot of single girls express a desire to be like this woman.  But I believe some very important points are overlooked at times.  The woman described in the chapter is an industrious entrepreneur who makes informed financial decisions and her husband trusts in her completely with their living.  He knows he is never going to suffer lack with her running their home (Pr. 31:11). She is not an idle woman, but works hard with willing hands (Pr. 31:13,27).  She takes care of her household, feeding and clothing them, and reaches out to the poor (Pr. 31:15,20-22). She considers a field and buys it (Pr. 31:16).  She produces and sells her own merchandise (Pr. 31:1824).  Her children and husband praise her (Pr. 31:28,29).  Yes, she's a keeper of the home, but that is certainly not all she does.  She's a capable, intelligent, financially responsible woman who uses her skills and talents to run her own business in addition to her home.

If this is what we as young women aspire to be, how do we work towards that?  How do we be fruitful while we wait, so that one day each of us can be that kind of woman?

What I desire to do in this series is not tell you what a godly woman, or a "Proverbs 31 Woman" should look like today.  I don't want to tell you how you're supposed to live.  What I want to do is share with you some things I have done and am doing during my single years to take responsibility for myself and that I would encourage others to do.  I admit there are some things I haven't done well and some things I would do differently if I had another chance, so I likely won't go deeply into those issues.  I'll leave it to others to speak to those issues.

I will devote each blog post to a separate topic.  My hope is that you will take these as practical suggestions and encouragement.  I also recognize that there may be some negative sides to some of the suggestions I have, and I hope I can address those honestly and look at both sides with fairness.  In the end, even if you don't agree with all my thoughts, my hope is that you would be inspired to make the most of their single years, be active and intentional about it, and have an increased amount of responsibility.

Next Post: Manage a Household

What Are You Saying? Part Three

This post is a continuation of What Are You Saying? Part Two.

In Parts One and Two of this series, I shared two stories about what people say by how they dress, one pertaining to women, the other to men.  Although I asked a lot of questions about what people say, I hope to pull things together here and perhaps provide a few answers.  Remember, these are a lot of thoughts I've pondered and are not to be taken as if I think I have it all figured out.  I also realize I am speaking from the limited perspective of a young, single woman, but I do hope you will take some things into consideration.

First of all, in regards to my first post: What do girls say about themselves when dressing in such an exposing manner?  Now, a lot of it is just so engrained in our culture.  We live in a society that screams sex and fashion caters to that idea.  Walk into most stores in the mall, especially in the summertime, that's what's available.  It's what's in, it's what's considered hot, it's what makes you popular, so why not buy it?

The problem is that our culture has stripped girls of the ideas that their bodies are worth anything more, that they actually have value as a person, that some guys actually will love them for not dressing like the rest of the crowd.  I really do believe that the average young woman wants to be treated respectfully, wants to be wanted for more than just sex, but since the pressure is so strong, they just cave in, follow the crowd and try to deal with it.

Girls, let me tell you this.  You do have value.  God created you for Himself, and although your sexuality is a gift, it is meant to be saved for your husband.  And yes, there are men who will still love you.  They will love you for who you are, not for your body.  I have on a few occasions read Yahoo articles of men giving their opinions on popular women's fashions.  They actually don't want to see that much.  They don't think such skimpy clothes are actually attractive. And these weren't Christians saying this either.  Let that encourage you.

Maybe I'm wrong in thinking this way, but if you dress with decency, you are a lot more likely to be treated respectfully. But it would be wrong to expect that if you revealed everything.  I have very little sympathy to offer a girl freaking out over a guy looking up her mini skirt.  I can only be shocked that she's so offended when there's so little hidden in the first place.  No, his actions aren't right, but frankly, she's only inviting such behaviour.  So, in short girls, dress with dignity and it will likely change the way people relate to you.

On to my reflections on Part 2.  I was afraid of writing this because I wasn't sure how people would feel about me speaking to men.  I think I can safely say that our culture and the modern belief system has influenced men's fashions as well.  You may think there's nothing exciting about T-shirts. But a shirt like the one I described in my last post says a lot about a common belief in our world--that it's okay and even enjoyable to abuse women. That it's pleasurable to not only have sex, but to make your partner a torture victim.  They find satisfaction in another's pain.

In regards to the particular incident I witnessed, that man was screaming a few things, perhaps without realizing it.  In addition to suggesting there was something pleasurable in a woman's suffering, he was also saying that his wife wasn't enough.  That she didn't fulfill him.  He had to look to other things for pleasure, and I doubt it was limited to a T-shirt.

I often read the Old Testament and wonder how some of those women felt that were just one of many wives.  I personally don't know of one woman that likes to share her husband, although I don't rule out the possibility of it happening.  Polygamy does still happen, but I honestly don't think that the thought thrills too many women.  Most wives don't want to have to compete with an another woman, or images on a screen for that matter.  I recently read an article where doctors were going so far as to say that men need variety, need an occasional fling with someone else, and their wives should just be okay with it.  No, no, they shouldn't!

I'm writing from a single perspective here, so I don't know everything.  I won't tell the men reading this what they can't wear.  But I do know that most women want to be enough for the man in their life.  They don't want to share, and rightly so.  To the young women reading though, I will say this. You can be confident that God wants nothing less for you than to have a faithful husband, sexually satisfied by you alone.  You don't have to settle for less. You're not asking too much.

In closing, I want to encourage each reader to ask yourself once in awhile, "What am I saying by what I wear?"

What Are You Saying? Part One

I'm starting a short blog series on what people say by what they wear.  This idea came to me after writing about my observations of people one day while waiting in the checkout line at the grocery store. It's not meant to be a series on modesty, or even just what people say about themselves by the way they dress.  I want to dig a little deeper into a few ideas that we may not always think about.  I'm not saying that all my thoughts are true.  They are thoughts and questions, so please don't take offense by what I put out here.

I was waiting in the checkout line on a busy Friday afternoon, on probably one of the hottest days of the summer and most people were dressed accordingly.  To be honest, I get annoyed sometimes when people always complain about immodesty, but I can't say it doesn't bother me.  I just don't vocalize it very much.  I often become very conscious of what people around me are wearing, especially when I'm out in public with a man.

On this day, I certainly did notice it.  Immodesty can be amusing, as strange as it sounds.  It's funny to see how girls act when dressed in such delicate outfits.  They try to hold everything together without anyone noticing.  A young woman walked by me wearing a pair of short denim shorts and a loose fitting, but very short yellow top exposing several inches of her tanned midriff.  As she was carrying a basket of groceries in one hand, she was trying to inconspicuously tug at her shorts with the other, which seemed a little big around the waist.   Now, I must say that a lot of girls who wear such exposing outfits are really not as hot as they think they are.  You notice this as well when you go to the beach and see how many larger women wear such exposing swimwear.  But that's besides the point.

What I thought about that day was how women who dress like this actually disrespect themselves.  Now I'm not sure how to explain this in a way that makes sense.  I don't know why some girls dress the way they do.  Do they simply want to be cool and comfortable?  Do they really think their bodies look that awesome, hot or sexy?  Do they do it because it's expected of them?  Or out of rebellion?  Do they want the attention from guys?  I'm sure for many of them, that's what they crave.  But do they know what kind of attention they're actually attracting?  If they knew, would they still want it?  Or would they be disgusted?  Would they get defensive and say "Well, they don't have to look!"?

Or is there deep down actually a lack of self-worth?  Do they really believe their bodies aren't worth saving for their spouse?  Do they think they're worthless trash, only wanted for one thing?  Do they wonder if perhaps they really are just something they're always called, so they might as well look the part?

Whatever is causing them to dress the way they do, I believe many girls lack respect for themselves.  They have somehow been convinced that their bodies, their sexuality, aren't something sacred, but rather to be flaunted for the world to see.  They have been convinced they have to look that way in order to be accepted or "loved".  If they don't, no guy will ever want them.

What the girl doesn't realize is that the right guy who will truly love her, not lust after her, will respect her for what she doesn't show the whole world.  He will love her for not flaunting her body and sexuality. He doesn't want what she shares with everyone who passes by, but what she can give to him alone in marriage.  And that's beautiful.

To be continued...

Giving God Your Dreams

Your dreams are safest in God's hands.  Do you believe that?

I've wrestled through the issue of dreams a lot the past month.  Somehow mine never seem to come true while everyone else's do.  Since when was that fair?

As I've evaluated my life, I noticed again how hard it is for me to surrender my dreams to God and then leave them in His hands.  I really want something, but when I resign myself to the fact that it won't happen, I let my dream fall to the ground, watch it get trampled and die.  Or so I think.

I often think I have let go of dreams, gotten over my disappointments and moved on with my life.  That is, until those dreams are realized in someone else's life.  Then those desires return and I become jealous and sometimes depressed or angry.  There's a child inside of me that stomps and screams "But those were MY dreams!"  (That child doesn't like to share either.)

In the past six months, I have seen or am seeing several of my dreams realized by other people, and many of them are younger than me.  It makes me wonder why.  Why them and not me?  They were all good dreams and I have prayed over every one of them.  So far to each of these, God has said "No" or "Not yet" to me and "Yes" to them.  At times I can't understand why.

I heard someone say once that we should give our dreams to God and let Him give them back to us.  In a sense, our dreams are safest in God's hands.  That's a hard thing to do.  It's hard giving your dreams to God, not knowing when or if you'll ever see them again, not knowing if they'll come true.  But I do believe that's what God wants us to do.  He knows the deepest desires of our hearts better than anyone else.  I've had to give dreams and plans to God not knowing if or how He will give them back to me.  Although I can't always see it, I do have to trust that His plans for my life are best.

In writing this, God brought me to Leslie Ludy's song "Far Beyond".  Although this song is written in the context of romantic dreams, I believe her words can be applied to all of our dreams.  Here's a portion of her lyrics, the rest of which can be seen under the Youtube video I linked to.

Far beyond my deepest heart's desire
Far beyond what I could ever dream
Far beyond my fairy tale imaginations
Is Your perfect plan for me
There's no limit to romance in all its beauty
When the author of love shapes my destiny
Far beyond the most that I could long for
I will find the dreams You have dreamed for me.

I could search forever
I could look for true love everywhere
If all my dreams were answered
They still could not compare
To the beauty of Your ways
And all Your plans for my life
Cause You've been scripting out a story for me
Before the very foundations of time.

Do you believe that? Are you willing to trust that God's dreams for you are the best?  I'll be the first to admit it's hard to do.  They may not seem to be what we're hoping for at the time, but He's painting on a far greater canvas than we can see, and if we trust Him, He promises the end result will be beautiful.

Lies Young Women Believe

A couple months ago, the girls in my youth group started going through the Lies Young Women Believe: And the Truth That Sets Them Free study by Nancy Leigh DeMoss and Dannah Gresh.  In all honesty, before we started, I didn't think I needed it.  As it turns out, I didn't realize how badly I did need it.

Lies Young Women Believe examines the 25 most common lies Christian young women believe about God, Satan, themselves, relationships, guys, media, sin and their futures and reveals God's Truth about them.  There's a Companion Guide that goes along with the book, which I would definitely recommend using.  It splits the book into a nine week study and there are study questions and exercises that correspond with what you're reading that week.  They also make good use of colour and graphics so it's visually appealing.  Sure, you may wonder why you need to spend the money on two books (so did I), but it is well worth it.

When I started this study, I knew there were many areas of my life that needed to change, and as much as I wanted the change, I was afraid of the pain that would come with it.  This book doesn't just expose lies we believe; it exposes sin.  It doesn't beat around the bush.  It looks at gritty issues for what they really are.  There were many issues that came up in this study where God was already convicting me.  There were things that He was repeatedly teaching me and were coming up in so many different places, that I just couldn't run from them.  I had to face head-on lies I was believing about sin, purity, authority and media and deal with them.

One of the blessings that came out of this study was simply spending more time in the Word aside from just my morning devotions.  This study wasn't about the book, it was about the Book, and it sent you searching through the scriptures all the time.  It also emphasized memorizing scripture, something I always want to do, but have a hard time sticking with.  A verse came to me last week, that wasn't mentioned in the study, but I feel it kind of sums it up.

Psalm 119:11 (ESV)
I have stored up your word in my heart,
that I might not sin against you.

I would definitely recommend this book to young women.  If you're around the age of 20+, don't look at it and think you're too old for it, especially if you're still single.  (I kind of did that.)  The issues discussed in the book do still apply to you.  If you're married, you can always look to Lies Women Believe by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. 

For more mature young women, I would also recommend And the Bride Wore White: Seven Secrets to Sexual Purity by Dannah Gresh, which I read a few years ago.  Earlier this year, she also published What Are You Waiting For?: The One Thing No One Ever Tells You About Sex.  I haven't read it in it's entirety, but I have skimmed portions and would recommend it as well to more mature readers. (She speaks frankly about sexual issues.)

As young women, we are called to be examples to the world.  If you want to grow in your relationship with God and be filled with His Truth, this study is a great place to start.