Sunday, 30 November 2014

Jesus Loves Me

I just had a horrible week.  I was miserable, and then I finally snapped.  I'm not going into the details here.  Quite frankly, I'm not comfortable with being that transparent right now.  But by the end of the week, I had done everything from beat myself up, battled fears, hated myself, and been extremely angry and screaming inside.  And I just had to cry to let some of it out.  Yep, when I become miserable, it's bad.  And usually when I'm miserable, I don't write publicly, but today I am.  I'm rarely daring enough to be this real, or I think my life is too messed up to share anything.

I can point to the source of a lot of my misery.  Giving into temptations, the school course that is filled with so much I would normally never consume that changes the way I think and feel (that makes me curse inside, even if I wouldn't say it out loud), the pressure of trying to make my plans happen, the frustrations of trying to manage my small income when I have huge expenses, and wondering if I can make it all work out.  Trying so hard to remain in control of my life, and realizing I just can't do it.

There is one thing that keeps me going, aside from a handful of people praying for me, is carrying me through this.  Just one simple truth.  Jesus loves me.  No matter what happens, what I go through, and what I face, Jesus loves me.  On the days I know I deserve anything but His love, Jesus loves me.  His love is deep, strong, and unchanging.  It remains firm.  His love and faithfulness is all I can bank on when it feels like everything is falling apart.

I don't know what this coming week holds, the rest of this year, or next year.  But I know what I'm holding on to.  Jesus loves me.  It's all I got.