Learning to Fail

If there is one thing I often fail at, it's failing, or to be more accurate, accepting that I fail. In general, I have high expectations of myself and I can be a perfectionist. This doesn't translate to all areas of my life, but it's more evident in things I do for others. I want it done right, without a glitch. And I beat myself up when I get the slightest thing wrong.  Most people would never know how I get down on myself about my failures, because I'm often too embarrassed to let it show.  But it nags at my conscience and eats away at me. It can drive me to depression if I don't get over it.

I have learned that there are areas where I extend a lot more grace to other people than I do to myself. I allow other people to mess up a lot more than me. And this is wrong. It's not healthy. Not being able to accept failure and move on can have a seriously negative impact on one's life.

So as of late I've been learning to let stuff go. I'm trying to learn the balance between not being too careful and not being careless. I'm learning to stop, pray, forgive myself, and keep going. And with that I also need to learn to accept failure without excusing sin.

Recently, I was working on a high school English course, and for my final assignment I had to choose four pieces of work to submit that I felt best showed my improvement. I was supposed to show a balance of my best work, in addition to an essay assignment. As I reviewed work from the last few months, I settled on an assignment that was certainly not my best work. It was an assignment where I had to research people and terms related to existentialist philosophy and write about them. I hated it and found it depressing to just read about some of these people and their ideas. I procrastinated, did a little at a time, and pushed my way grudgingly through it. It took me entirely too long, and I wasn't sure what was going to be the end point of it all. It was not my best work, but I decided this would be one of my four assignments to submit. I wasn't expecting good grades, and I knew I could very well be hurting my mark, but I also couldn't pass it up and say I did all that work for nothing. I submitted it to show my persistence. To my surprise, with the other assignments and the essay, I received the highest grade I had so far in the course.

If you read my New Year's post and my mission for this year, you know I'm destined for failure.  Some people that I've shared this idea with in the past month have certainly not all shared my enthusiasm. They know it will be a huge flunk. They almost convinced me to back out or maybe reduce my goal a little. But no, I'm going to stick to it, even if I'm destined to fail. I know there will be days I will have nothing to write down. But I need to learn to pick myself up the next day and keep going.

It scares me to make it my aim to accept failure. It doesn't seem very appealing, and I think I may be inviting more failure. I need to learn it's okay not to be perfect, it's okay to take off the masks, it's okay to mess up. With that I need to look to the Lord for grace, for forgiveness, for cleansing from my sin, for His Spirit to live in and through me, because I can't do it. And my God's okay with that.

Responsible Single: Keep Learning

One of the things I have greatly enjoyed in my single years is learning after I completed my secondary education.  I have decided not to pursue a formal post-secondary education, largely due to financial reasons, but I have greatly enjoyed learning at home.

When I say keep learning, that can mean several things, and depending on your personality, it could mean something totally different than what it means to me.  For me, it has meant studying literature and working on my writing.  This past year, I became involved with IJM and read several books on justice issues.  I've also started learning more about abortion and the pro-life view.  I consider that a part of my learning.  I'm growing my knowledge and understanding of issues I didn't know as much about before.  For many learning may mean a formal education at a university.  For others it could mean learning a new skill, developing a talent, learning a new computer program, practicing a household skill, or learning how to make something creative whether it's with needles and tread or yarn or wood, or whatever you use.  For some, it may be researching a topic that interests you or even just taking more time to study God's Word.

Unfortunately, my job right now doesn't allow me to do as much learning as I want to.  But when time allows, I have lots of unread books on my shelf, some of which I want to study, I want to work on my writing skills, and perhaps one day I will further study such things as philosophy, political science, justice, or other social issues.  Writing this post is exciting and frustrating for me because it reminds me of everything I want to do and I miss working part time and having the time to do them.

For those of you who have want to pursue post-secondary education but can't afford it, or it doesn't seem to be a reasonable choice, I want to share some things I have found that can be very helpful.  One of the reasons I haven't pursued university is because most of what I would study there I can learn at home at a fraction of the price.  I just miss the opportunity for discussion, having my work graded and getting the credits.  If I want to study literature and writing, I can walk into Chapters or go onto Amazon.ca and buy my education for a fraction of the price of an institution.  But there are also an abundance of free online resources that I began discovering last year.

If you have iTunes on your computer, you can go to the iTunes store and under the menu there's a cool feature called iTunes U.  iTunes U is a great collection of university lectures covering a wide range of subjects, a lot in video and most of it's free.  You can also search for this on some university websites.

Something else I got really excited about this year was when Biola University, a Christian university in California, added a whole section of free content open to the public called Open Biola.  There is so much there I'd want to watch and learn that I could spend months there.  It's awesome that Christian universities are giving back in this way.  We live in a time where so much is available at our fingertips. You don't have to go to a university or even a library anymore. Use it wisely and make the most of it.

It doesn't matter so much what you're learning about, but that you're thinking.  Don't neglect to exercise your mind.  Having said that, use discretion.  Learn about things that will build you up and allow you to build up others.  Spend your time on things that matter and are profitable.  Filter what you're learning through the Word of God so you're not being deceived or swept away with worldly, unbiblical views that sound good to our fallen human nature or wander into things that will cause you to sin.  Let Philippians 4:8 be your guide:

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think abut these things."

Next Post: Take a Risk

What's the Point?

In this post, I will attempt to answer a question I have been struggling with for some time and I shared with someone last week. "One of my desires for my time now is to study classics and great literature, to study on my own, and to learn how to think. Is there any real profit in that? I would love to study through a university, but don't have the time or finances now and I'm not sure if it would even prepare me to do something meaningful. Is it just a selfish ambition or will it be something that I can actually some day use to make a difference. Is it okay or is it not?"

This desire was birthed in me a year and a half ago when I read A Thomas Jefferson Education by Oliver DeMille. Since then, I unfortunately haven't had the time I would like to devote to that ambition and I have begun to wonder if there's even a point. Would it result in me doing anything meaningful? Shouldn't I rather be active in feeding the poor, helping orphans, or freeing slaves? Is it a God-honouring desire or is it a mere waste of time on temporary things?

No. No, it's not a waste of time. I owe that conclusion to the wisdom of many individuals. I have read many articles on the issues of reading and education, received encouragement from friends, and have concluded that learning is a worthwhile pursuit. I appreciated the articles Alex and Brett Harris posted over at the Rebelution on John Piper's book Think, which I definitely intend to read. In their two posts on the book, they discuss the importance and benefit of reading and thinking hard things.

I was blessed awhile ago by what a young man shared with me. It was the idea that you can only teach your children what you know. Even if your ambition is to be a mother, you will only be able to pass on to them what you already know. He suggested that the parts of education that we don't "use" but that we remember are the ones that build us up the most.

I have also considered a few other ideas in reaching my conclusion. Classics or the great books are often referred to as the Western canon. These are the writings that have been most influential in shaping Western culture. Among them are works that have endured for hundreds, some over a thousand years. Think about that for a minute. There are people in our day who devote themselves to studying what people wrote hundreds of years ago. If their writings have been so influential and endured for so long that students in universities still study them today, I think I might to know what they had to say!

One of my desires has been to be a writer. In order to write well, you must first be able to read and think well. This can be achieved by reading literature. Also, a lot of what I write now is a result of reading. It has given my writing greater purpose. Thus, the reading and study of classics is helping me to hone my writing skills and brings me closer to achieving my goals.

I recently wrote a number of posts on Jane Eyre, a classic work of fiction. Through my study of the book, I have thought through some difficult issues. Classics often build moral character and offers excellent words of wisdom pertaining to various areas of life. They challenge the way we think and cause us to evaluate what we believe. These are just a few benefits.

I don't know where this desire will go. I don't know if I will ever have the opportunity to study and discuss these works at a college. But I intend to say no to ignorance and to learn what I can where I am. The resources available to me are numerous. And I think I can stop exploring. There's enough books I want to read to keep me busy for a lifetime.

Press On

What do you think about rash decisions? I've concluded today that for the most part, they're not a good idea. I was very close today to dropping out of my chemistry course. Save me a lot of stress and headaches, why not? It's super hard and I'll be very lucky to pass this course and I don't need it. I talked to my guidance counselor for 15 minutes and my options are actually not too bad.

But then I started thinking about this a little bit more. I still need another credit in place of that and that would mean more time and possibly not being able to finish this year and more money, all for something I'm not sure is going to be any better. And I'm almost three-quarters of the way through and if I worked consistently it may only mean about two more weeks and then my exam. So realistically speaking, the whole idea was a pretty stupid one. But I just about did it to try and get out of something I don't like.

I said I couldn't do it. In and of myself and my own strength I can't. But Who do I serve? I serve a great and awesome God that can do a whole lot more than help me pass a chemistry course. By His power, I can. I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me. How can I share with others this incredible God when I can't put my trust in Him in such a matter as chemistry? What else do I promote? I really enjoy telling people about the Rebelution and Do Hard Things. And here I'm throwing in the towel for schoolwork that I don't understand. Where's the perseverance? Why am I not striving for excellence and doing the hard things God has put in my life?

Overall, I didn't have peace over withdrawing from this course. When I got to the store this afternoon, I flipped through the book Living Above the Level of Mediocrity, which I bought today, and began scanning chapter titles: Determination; Standing Tall When Tested; Standing Firm When Discouraged; Standing Strong When Tempted. Over and over the words ring. Press on. Persevere. DON'T GIVE UP! This is what God has called us to.

Making Room For God's Plans

I've been wanting to get this post up for over a week now. Finally, a few events are over, including our banquet and church's Christmas program, and many other things, so it feels really good to be able to slow down for a few days before going caroling and Christmas with all the things that come along with it.

Something God has been showing me is making room for His plans, for they are far greater than mine. Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end." Another translation says "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."

Awhile ago, I was asked to do something that I have to honestly say I wasn't particularly thrilled about. However, allowed God to be in charge that evening, and did He ever do something incredible. I could very easily have gone my own way, but I would have missed out on a tremendous blessing.

God really does want to give us His very best if we are willing to surrender our lives to Him and make room for His plans.

Fulfillment in Christ

I generally don't have a whole lot of time to read books, especially novels. Never mind, that good Christian novels are hard to find. When I do read novels, I like ones that give me something to chew on, something of practical value I can relate to my own life. I found this almost immediately reading Sir Kendrick and the Castle of Bel Lione by Chuck Black:

"Duncan, I know your heart belongs to the King and the Prince. You are also a knight who yearns for adventure. But you'll soon learn there is no need. Adventure will surely find you as you follow the course set for you by the Prince....Don't be tempted to ride for glory as other knights do. Such a quest is an empty one...."

Duncan did have potential, though....He was a sturdy, broad-shouldered fellow, and he would grow stronger and mightier in the years ahead if he kept his focus on the Prince and not upon himself. And if he could learn to control himself better--for Duncan's chief weakness was his lack of self-discipline.

I can definitely identify with this in my own life. I need to shift my focus back to Jesus because it has turned to myself. What do I want (or not want)? What seems reasonable or makes sense to me? And, I tend to seek the praise and approval of others than just to simply please God. And, yes, adventure will come! I often say that the Christian life is the greatest adventure you could live because you never know what's waiting around the next corner. Another challenge is obedience. We must remember Who we are living for and His calling for our lives instead of wanting to go our own way. It is in His will that we will find fulfillment.

We have potential, but we must exercise discipline, for that is what it means to be a disciple.

My Week...

I do sincerely apologize for my lack of posting lately. I had most of my week off last week, in which I spent most of reading. Yesterday, my friend Justine and I were baptized at our church. We were blessed to have several friends visiting! It was an amazing day!

Last week, God showed me His love in a very humbling way. I won't go into detail with my story, but God showed me how much He wants us to come to Him when we're hurting...that when He asks "What's wrong?" that we just come into His arms and pour out our heart to Him and allow Him to take our hurt and pain. We don't need to carry these burdens around all the time. God does not want us to carry these burdens around but cast it all on Him and find release from our bondage.

Right now, I'm being really blessed reading through Ecclesiastes and I hope to study it in more depth and share what I learn with you all. Until then, God be with you!

Not Qualified?

Acts 4:13
"Now when they saw the boldness of Peter and John, and perceived that they were unlearned and ignorant men, they marvelled; and they took knowledge of them, that they had been with Jesus."

Do you ever feel inadequate or far from qualified for the task set before you? We all fall into this one at some point. Some one asks us to do something, and we like to step back, putting up our hands defensively and going on, reading out of our book of excuses why we can't do it. I do it myself all the time. We feel inadequate. We don't qualify. We don't have the talents, skill, or abilities. We know someone else who would be much better suited for the position. WHY ME?!!!

So when I read this verse this week, I took fresh courage. When Jesus chose His disciples, He chose ordinary people. Ordinary people, living ordinary lives, to serve an extraordinary God, and thus do extraordinary things. Fishermen. Not incredibly remarkable individuals, not particularly educated and intelligent...just ordinary people. I take fresh courage in that. Possibly God wants to show Himself strong in my weaknesses. Not possibly; I know He does.

God uses ordinary people, the unqualified, the inadequate. He doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called. He takes our fears and failures and uses them for His honour and glory. But we can't do it ourselves; it has to be God's working in and through us. Peter spoke, empowered by the Holy Spirit, and thousands were added to the church. He couldn't have done it himself.

Acts 5:38,39
And now I say unto you, Refrain from these men, and let them alone: for if this counsel or this work be of men, it will come to nought:
But if it be of God, ye cannot overthrow it; lest haply ye be found even to fight against God.

Even this Pharisee, Gamaliel, recognized that men's work comes to nought, but God's work will always prosper. It cannot be overthrown. Does that mean we won't ever face opposition when God calls us to do something? No. Jesus tells us that we will face opposition, but it will prosper.

Sorry, I hardly know how to put my thoughts into words. I hope that made some sense. Blessings!

The Work of the Lord

And, yes, the Lord is doing a mighty work. My sincerest apologies for waiting so long to post again. The Lord is doing much pruning, chastising, and refining once again. I'm most definitely an ongoing project that's never finished. I was thinking about this last week when my mom and I were doing some sewing. We had made a skirt last year that hadn't turned out and so now we were going to do some alterations to get it to fit. So after tearing out this seam and doing this or that, we could just not get it to fit right and look nice and there were many other problems along with it. Quite discouraged, my mom suggested that if it was alright with me, we would just leave it for now.

The next morning, I woke up with this thought: Isn't it wonderful that our Heavenly Father doesn't do that? He never gives up on us. He doesn't put us aside when we don't immediately respond to his molding. Rather He tears open this seam and redoes that one until it's just right; He doesn't stop until the work is finished and perfect and that makes me rejoice. Yes, it hurts and it's not always fun, but He holds our hand every step of the way and great is our reward.

So there's just one of my recent thoughts. God bless.

Ye Shall Not Need to Fight

The Lord has been good to me once again. Last week our church hosted the School of Revival and Prayer and God did a mighty work, in my life and the lives of many others. It was absolutely incredible beyond words. He did a mighty work in my life, sweeping out sin in my life as I surrendered many things into His hands. There was something in my life that I didn't know how it was going to work out but I knew that God could do it and wanted to do it. Saturday morning, He confirmed many things through His Word in just a few verses:

2 Chronicles 20:15,17
...Thus saith the LORD unto you, Be not afraid nor dismayed by reason of this great multitude; for the battle is not yours, but God's.
Ye shall not need to fight in this battle: set yourselves, stand ye still, and see the salvation of the LORD with you, O Judah and Jerusalem: fear not, nor be dismayed; to morrow go out against them: for the LORD will be with you.

I had read these verses before and heard them countless times, but they didn't speak to me like the way they did now. Then I saw God do some amazing things. He showed me something I had known for a long time but I just hadn't seen at this time. Had I seen it a few weeks ago, I would not have gone through the deep struggle I did last week, but then God wouldn't have been able to teach me anything and my love for Christ would not have increased the way it has. I praise Him for his love and mercy.

I know I've shared this quote in another post but I would like to say it again:

"Great faith is the product of great fights. Great testimonies are the outcome of great tests. Great triumphs can only come out of great trials."
-Smith Wigglesworth

Finally, sorry for my lack of posting this month. I'll try to get another one in later on this week. We'll see how the Lord leads. God bless.

Rejoice!

Yes, it's been a week again since I last posted. Where to start? Last week, God was really pruning, chastising, and refining. I'm learning to rejoice in the Lord, even when my circumstances aren't all that great and just learning what it really means to know God. Not just knowing about God or who He is but really know God. I had the chance to listen to Love With Shoes On and God's really been asking me "Have you counted the cost?" We had Otto Koning at our church this weekend and I was reminded once again that yes, there is a cost to consider. Along the same lines, He's also asking me "Are you willing? If I ask you to do this, will you be obedient?" It's been a time of learning, reflecting, growing, and loving God more. He's just always becoming more real in so many ways; it's amazing!

Something came up today that I really need to seek God's will and direction in. So if God lays it on your heart to pray for me, it would be sincerely appreciated.

Blessings!

God is Working

It's been almost a week since I last posted...it feels like yesterday. This week has gone by much faster than I initially anticipated. I know my posts haven't had very much in them lately but that doesn't mean my life is boring right now. Completely the opposite, actually. God has been doing a marvelous work in my life. It's not easy, but He's with us even through the fiery trials. I'm learning so much and He speaks to me in such everyday ordinary things if I'm willing to listen and learn. I'm learning not to get distracted in my life but rather to focus on the task at hand; serving my Lord and Saviour where He has placed me right now. Otherwise the results may not be so good at all. I hardly know what to say...words don't do justice what I've been learning and God's marvelous works in my life, even if I tried to explain.

The last few weeks I've often gone back to the Psalms for words of strength and encouragement.

Psalm 63:7, 8
Because thou hast been my help, therefore in the shadow of thy wings will I rejoice.
My soul followeth hard after thee: thy right hand upholdeth me.

One day I randomly turned to Psalm 60 and something caught my attention:
Psalm 60: 9-12
Who will bring me into the strong city? who will lead me into Edom?
Wilt not thou, O God, which hadst cast us off? and thou, O God, which didst not go out with our armies?
Give us help from trouble: for vain is the help of man.
Through God we shall do valiantly: for he it is that shall tread down our enemies.

Isn't that amazing! It reminds me of Job.

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong, a perfect plea
A great high Priest whose Name is Love
Who ever lives and pleads for me
My name is graven on His hands
My name is written on His heart
I know that while in heaven He stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart.
-Selah, Before the Throne of God Above

God bless you and keep you. Give Him praise.

Take It Away?

Maybe you've been going through a string of trials like me and you've pleaded with God to take it away. Then you have to wonder and ask why He doesn't do it. Well, I knew better than to ask God to take it away because I knew He wouldn't do it but I had to wonder why. Then it dawned on me that if He always took everything away, we'd never learn anything, or grow for that matter. When we don't understand a math problem, we don't learn how to do it when it's taken away from us, but rather by working through it and practicing. We need to also recognize that we don't just have a Lord, Saviour, Redeemer, Friend, but that Jesus is also our Teacher and Guide. He doesn't just put something in front of us and then leave us on our own but helps us through it.

At first thought, we like to say "It's too hard!" Humanly speaking, possibly, but we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. On our own, it may be too hard, but with strength from above, we are not just survivors but more than conquerors.

God bless.

Broken Pieces

Well, these last few weeks I've been torn apart and heartbroken and now I'm just a bunch of broken pieces. It really hurts but then I realized, Hey, I'm at a place now that God can work with me and that's exciting. And an amazing work that He's doing! He's teaching me so much that I can hardly take it all in at once. I find that I can't just lean on Jesus but I need to completely throw myself on Him. He is good, merciful, and faithful even when I'm not.

Our youth held a free car wash for the community on Saturday and we found out that's a great way to shock people...an absolutely free car wash. We had rain on and off but I still managed to get a sunburn but it was good.

I know I'm not worthy of God's love but I praise and thank Him for it every day.

And I'll stand in awe of You,
Yes I'll stand in awe of You,
And I'll let my words be few-
Jesus I am so in love with You.
-Matt Redman

May this be our song each day. And if it isn't real in our life, then lets make it real. Glory be unto Jesus.

Humility and Obedience

So, you've all probably been wondering where I've been, but in all fairness I did warn you. I can't begin to explain what God has been doing in my life but He's definitely teaching me the power in a spirit of meekness and humility. I've made an utter fool out of myself on several occasions but that's alright. I'm also learning to walk in obedience to the Spirit's leading. I had the opportunity to witness to a few people yesterday when our youth was at the park which was interesting. It's really hard for me to just go up to a random person and share the Gospel with them but God gives the strength.

I have a Driver Ed exam today so any prayers would be more than greatly appreciated. And because I have to study, that's about all I'm going to say right now. God bless!

After A Wonderful Weekend

Ok, so I got the day off because they tell me it's a "holiday" so here I am updating my blog. Yesterday another church invited our youth for a barbecue. It wasn't exactly barbecue weather so we were inside most of the day but it was good.

A verse that I've been thinking about is Proverbs 17:3 which says "The fining pot is for silver and the furnace for gold; but it is the Lord who trieth the hearts." This is an encouragement to me to know that the hotter the fires I go through the more precious the outcome. To be honest, the last few weeks have been a little hard for me but our adult Sunday school and message yesterday really helped. A couple of days there I felt this emptiness and void in my life like my life just felt really vain. I tried filling it with different things but it just seemed to get worse. Then in Sunday school yesterday I realized what I needed was to really know God. Not to just read my Bible and pray but to really know and experience God. All week I was praying about different things but God just seemed silent. I kept saying "Lord, I want to know You!" When He finally did speak it's like He was saying, "Do you really? Because if you want to truly no Me then I want all of you. Not just a part of you or bits and pieces of you but I want all of you and notjing but you. I don't want you dragging extra stuff behind you; I want just you. Nothing more and nothing less.

In the message a point was made that we have to walk by faith. We can't just use a formula or apply a three step process to anything but we have to walk by faith. Also, that when something comes up in our lives we have to let God in on it but before we do that we need to firmly decide that whether we love it or hate it, we will do what He says.

I also went back to some notes and things I had written down from a book I read about two months ago and was reminded that what I truly longed for was a deep, intimate relationship with God. In the book the author shared some insight on a portion of scripture which really summarizes my desire. Matthew 13:45, 46 says "Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant man, seeking goodly pearls: Who, when he had found one pearl of great price, went and sold all he had, and bought it." There are five points we can get out of this: There is a pearl of great price (Jesus), We are to seek it, We are commanded to purchase it, It costs us everything, and It is worth the price.

So that's about enough for today. Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith. God bless!

Fellow Blog Readers

Hello again to my fellow blog readers whoever you all are. My week has been busy. My mom and I made a skirt for me this week and after working on it for three days, we've just a little bit to finish. We had to readjust the pattern a couple of times to get the right fit (good thing we had lots of fabric) and hemmed it twice. I learned many things about sewing and one major unrelated thing. Even when I really don't think so, Mom really is a whole lot smarter than I think. We made the skirt really long and my mom kept saying that we would have to take a few inches off the bottom. But of course I didn't believe her and insisted that by the time we did this and that and hemmed it, it would be perfect. But sure enough, by the time we thought we were finished, it still dragged on the floor (even with shoes on). May I add that my mom hadn't liked hemming it all and now she had to cut a couple of inches off the bottom and do it again. For modesty purposes, we sewed a slip right into, so now we pretty well just have to shorten that by a few inches.

Lord willing, I'm starting Drivers Ed next week with a couple of friends. I don't have all the money together yet but I trust that God will provide. Hey, there's something you folks can all pray about. There'll be three or four of us Christians there so we could really have an impact, being salt and light.

Thank you guys all so much and God bless! And remember, chances are Mom really does know more than you do!

What Do We Seek After?

This is a crucial question for everyone. But not only what do we seek after but what takes up our time? Do we get distracted by the things of this world and put our relationship with God on hold? I tend to do this quite a bit and I also tend to daydream when I should be working on something. In a way I have actually set up idols in my life the last couple of days, things that aren't helping me grow and bring only hardship instead of joy. In the end we're left feeling that our life is vain and empty and it is. But we need to seek Christ; to find our joy, peace, contentment and security in Him. Nothing else can truly fulfill the voids in our life no matter how promising they look.

I was reading this morning in Proverbs 1 and I completely saw myself. God was calling out to me and I refused to listen. He called again and I said no again. When I finally realized that I was tearing my own self apart, I called out but it felt like God just wasn't willing to listen. Before I enjoyed sweet fellowship and communion, an understanding relationship that was alive but now I felt like I was talking to a brick wall. This probably hurts more than anything; God refusing to listen because of your sin. Until we repent and turn back to following Him, there's a blockage in our life and the water can't flow freely.

So let us lay aside the false and vain things of this world and look to Christ. He will chastise us until He has us back and it saves us a lot of pain as well. Look to Jesus for He alone is worthy.

The Lord is Good!

The Lord is good. I could recite Psalm 145 to describe this but I won't. Can I magnify Him for what He has done in my life? Absolutely. Can I begin to describe His goodness? That's somewhat more difficult. I was asked yesterday why I loved Jesus. I considered answering that it was because He first loved me. But that just doesn't say enough. When I consider what He has done for me, how He suffered and died to pardon me from my sin, what do I owe Him? My life, my love, my full devotion and adoration. But I know that. What do I really owe Him? To extend the same measure of love to others that He has extended to me. This is what I owe Him along with my life and this is the best testimony that I have Christ living in me: the love I extend to others. It will not always be easy. It wasn't easy for Christ to die for us. Nevertheless, this is what we owe Him.

So that's my random meditation for today and God bless you as you continue to have sweet fellowship with Him.

Learning From a Rough Week

I'd been sick for a week now and I'm still recovering although feeling much better. It seems I had gotten a nasty case of food poisoning (not fun) and after nobody else got it and it lasted for so long, I knew it wasn't just a stomach flu. It's so easy to take our good health for granted. This was probably the hardest week I've had in long time. For the last few weeks I had been learning to take everything to God in prayer so that's exactly what I did. Last Thursday night I still felt fine but I had a bit of a cold so I prayed for God to take it away and I woke up in the morning with this. Personally I would rather have taken the cold. And every time I prayed for healing it just got worse and just when I thought I was starting to feel better it got worse again. My faith was really under fire.

Sometimes you get bored from doing chores and the same things all the time, but don't complain. It's really hard when you're too sick to do the things you normally do. After hardly being able to eat for a week, loosing nearly ten pounds (and I'm fairly small as it is), and being extremely weak, I was pretty well left in bed a few days. Then you see that Mom could use a lot of help but you can't help her and when you offer she sends you to bed. So don't ever complain about all the work you have to do; thank God for the health that you can do those things.

Anyway, I have a lot to do but I'll try and post again early next week. Blessings!