School Reflections on Mennonite Culture and "A Complicated Kindness"

This post requires a brief introduction so you will understand what you're reading. In the last few months, I've been working on upgrading my Grade 12 English credit. In the course, I had to read two of three novels, and write three reader response journals for each. One of the books I chose was A Complicated Kindness by Miriam Toews, a novel set in a Mennonite community in Manitoba in the 1970-80s. I was intrigued by a book about my culture and thought it would be great to connect to. I did have to meet a few content requirements, but I liked how the format of this assignment allowed me to express my views and write about Mennonite culture, and I decided to share one response journal on my blog.

Having said that, I want to add that I cannot recommend this book. Readers that know me personally will quickly understand why. The more I read, the more disturbed I became and it certainly had an unhealthy effect on me. However, I also appreciated how the author exposed some of the problems in Mennonite cultures and I really connected to some of the points she brought out. I have tried to be as sensitive as possible in detailing these. Please understand that this is a personal perspective and reflects my understanding and experience of being a Mennonite.

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Reader Response Journal 1 for A Complicated Kindness Chapters 1-10

So first I want to vent about how I feel about this book. On a whole, I haven't been impressed. It's a mockery of not only Mennonites, but particularly of the Christian faith. The only way the author can get away with all the use of profanity, including profaning God, is because the story is told from the perspective of a girl who is rebelling against her culture. Having said that, Toews effectively tears down the outward image of Mennonite culture and gets a lot of points about the culture bang on!

While I'm on the topic of my reactions to this book, I may as well expand more. Although I grew up in a different Mennonite culture in a different time, I can understand a lot of what Nomi is working through. I understand that although the characters profess religion and go to church on Sundays, there is a huge youth culture full of sex, drugs, alcohol and rebellion. What happens down at the pits is really not far-fetched. What did surprise me was the author's use of profanity, and particularly using the names of God as swear words. This is generally not acceptable in Mennonite culture, or the Christian faith. The reason she uses it though is to show the Nomi who inside has completely turned away from everything she has been taught growing up, as well as to authenticate characters like Tash and Travis. This was definitely a big disappointment to me, but it does show Nomi's troubled life, as well as the youth culture among many Mennonite groups.

Something that surprised me in a good way was the community's focus on third-world missions, aside from the fact that people are often compelled to serve out of guilt or because of manipulative threats. Depending on the community, this is something that is certainly not always common. In fact, in some churches, actively proselytizing can be very looked down upon. However, on the flip-side, in many Mennonite circles, serving the poor or reaching out through missions is an important way of demonstrating faith.

I don't feel very warmly about the characters. Nomi's a rebel who describes herself as a "sad, cynical pothead." (p.32) I don't find much about her likeable. But at the same time, I pity her, because she, along with her family, and all the people around her are trapped in a religion that is all about dos and don'ts, but it doesn't actually change them. They have the Bible pushed down their throats, but they don't "get it". The result is, of course, misery. I like her dad, Ray. I can't say I'm drawn to her mom, or sister. Travis seems like the kind of guy who will, sooner or later, be most interested in getting into Nomi's pants. Although a little more thoughtful about things, he seems to encourage her increasing substance abuse. I don't like him either.

There are things that Nomi says that really hit the nail on the head, specific ideas and mentalities I could really connect with. "We've been hand-picked. We're on the fast track, singled out, and saved." (p.17) What Nomi describes here is the idea that is common in some Mennonite communities that they're a sort of elite people, almost like a special people to God that will be saved, and everyone else will be condemned. Very wrong, might I add. In Chapter 7, Nomi describes the town she lives in, in relation to the museum village. "It's right next to the real town, this one, which is not really real. It's a town that exists based on the idea of it not existing in the world." (p.47-48) Nomi understands that their community denies the pleasures of this world so they can enjoy the next, but she doesn't know what they will be. She makes a good point here. When having a conversation with her teacher, she hits the nail on the head when she says, "I want to know what it's like to be forgiven by another human being (I was stoned, obviously) and not have to wait around all my life anxiously wondering if I'm an okay person or not and having to die to find out." (p.48) This statement really describes her confusion. In the church I grew up in, and in many Mennonite churches, a common belief is that a person cannot know if they're saved and going to heaven. We were taught that Jesus died for our sins, so we could go to heaven, but that was about it. The rest was up to us. We had to try to live a good life, make our good outweigh our bad, and hope, that maybe, just maybe, we'd make it into heaven. Hell was used to scare little children when they did something bad. If a person claimed to be saved or born again, they were gone off the deep end, and quite possibly rejected by their family. This seems to me to be at the heart of what Nomi can't understand and why she sees their faith as fantasy. It's a "reject-everything-here-in-hopes-of-something-better, in-hopes-we-can-make-it-in" way of life. This is what really saddens me about the culture.

I really appreciated when Nomi said, "Somehow all the problems of the world manage to get into our town but not the strategies to deal with them." (p.52) This is so true. Mennonites are human, just like everyone else, and many of the same problems exist, whether it's drug addiction, alcoholism, depression, abuse, or promiscuity. But many communities do not seem to have solutions to deal with them, aside from discipline or excommunication, which doesn't actually help the people.

There were other little things that made me excited, like chocolate puffed wheat balls. At home, we press it into a pan and cut it into squares. Simple, but always a nice light snack. I got a good laugh when she mentioned how Mennonites stare! Can they ever! Although this is likely largely stereotypical, I can almost see a line of little Mennonite kids standing at the border line of the neighbour's property, just staring! And Knipsbrat, which I learned later was called crokinole in English. I played that as a kid. It was one of those safe, acceptable Mennonite games. Oh, and can't forget the messy, bloody, and smelly job of butchering chickens. Like Nomi, I can't imagine doing that for a living!

What I found interesting and somewhat surprising was that children read Narnia books, and Ray gives Nomi a copy of The Screwtape Letters by C. S. Lewis. This may really vary by community, but fiction books weren't of great value when I was a child, and fantasy in particular can be a controversial genre in conservative Christian/Mennonite circles. Lewis can be a controversial writer, and people have mixed feelings about Narnia. The allegory is probably the main redeeming factor, and that the witch is actually depicted as bad. Personally, I enjoy Lewis's work, but I was surprised that this is part of the education system in Nomi's community.

I also connected to Nomi's love and desire to see New York City, but for a reason totally different from hers. I was never drawn, per se, to big cities as a kid, but in the past year and a half, I spent over 20 weeks in Staten Island. What brought me there was actually the fact that I was a Mennonite. I was volunteering with Mennonite Disaster Service while they were helping clean up and rebuild homes damaged by Hurricane Sandy. I loved being in NY, I got to see different sights, and I loved volunteering with this organization I hadn't hear about before. It also greatly challenged the way I viewed my Mennonite heritage, which I had lost a great deal of respect for. To be quite honest, I didn't even like being considered a Mennonite anymore. But working with other Mennonites in a disaster relief project helped me to see many of the different Mennonite cultures from Canada and the U.S. I also got to know and made friends with people from churches I had little to no respect for, and began to see them differently. I saw that there were people who actually had a genuine, active faith. It did exist among them, even if it wasn't the case with nearly all of them, or at least among the ones I knew. This experience also resulted in something else interesting. I had the opportunity to share my experiences at a number of fundraising and awareness events, and my audience was many times, people from the culture I came out of. Yes, like in Nomi's story, the women sit on one side of the church, while the men sat on the other. It is certainly not the norm to have a young, single woman speak to them! I have often been amazed at the opportunities I had to share with this culture. I am curious to see what will come of Nomi's desire to see New York City and how it will impact her.

The style of A Complicated Kindness is unique and surprising in some ways. It's told in the first-person narrative, Nomi being the narrator. It's effective, because the reader can get right into her head. The story is written free-form, and is somewhat fragmented. Nomi talks a lot about the past, and the past is often interspersed with what's going on in the present. She has a hard time dealing with her mother and sister leaving, and it really affects her life, so naturally, she talks about it. I find that as the story goes on, the focus shifts more to what's happening in the present. However, she jumps from one topic to the next, and many things she talks about are very random. It's almost like the book is Nomi's diary, and she's just writing about her life and what has happened to her.

One thing I noticed right in the beginning was that Nomi speaks about her parents by using their first names, rather than speaking of them as Mom and Dad. This is unusual. Also, the author very rarely puts dialogue in quotations. I wonder why she chose not to do this. Perhaps this is because a lot of the story is just Nomi processing things, or because it reads in many ways kind of like a diary. The author's writing style strikes me as modernist in some ways. She uses assonance quite a bit, mostly when Nomi is talking of riding her bike. In Chapter 8, Nomi frequently repeats "I like to ride my bike" and tells of the places she goes. The author really gets on a roll with the modernist style on page 37: "We'd stand by our front doors yelling stuff like shalom and Faloma and nice aroma let's build a snowma in the dark, we'd just go on and on, in early Menno rap style, until his dad asked him if he wanted a smack. A smack attack jack? Get back on track!"

A literary device used a lot in this book is sarcasm, especially with Nomi being a cynical character, disgusted by her community. There is a dark mood, over the story. Nomi is to a great extent sad and depressed, with a negative outlook on her life and the world she lives in. The author uses wit, especially in the way that Tash responds to their culture and the aspects that make no sense to her, like when she points out they can't dance but they can have sex with extended family members. (p.49) I'm not used to such closely related people marrying, but the girl certainly makes a great point!

I am interested to see where Nomi will end up, and also how this small glimmer of appreciation she has for her community, in the complicated kindness she experiences, will grow or fade.

How Can I Give....?

I've been searching my brain all week for something to write about, but I feel like I'm coming up empty.  It's not necessarily that I don't have ideas, but they all seem incomplete, it's not the right time, or I'm not sure how to make them work.  I've been mulling over my year end post, like I have down for the past few years, but I have to wait a few weeks to share it.  With other ideas, I just don't know how to bring across what I'm want.

If this blog is ever a disappointment to you, I'm sorry.  I really am.  But I don't want to put out pointless content for the sake of there being something new here for you.  There's enough writers with nothing to say and I don't want to add to the number.  I truly want to offer insight here that would uplift and inspire people, and if I'm not doing that, I don't want to be writing.

I started on a new journey of sorts a couple months ago.  Before this point, I often felt like I didn't have anything to offer, like I had nothing to give, like I didn't make a difference.  It took me walking through a process with a mentor of sorts to see that I did have a difference to make.  But there was still a question pressing on my heart that I had to put before him: "How can I give what I don't have?"  Yes, I recognized I had a difference to make (I do even more now), but I felt like it wasn't real in my own life.  How could I inspire other people to have vision, when my life was directionless, when I wasn't even sure I had one?

He helped me get past that, and many other things and I can't begin to describe in a few words how exciting this journey has been for me.  But it doesn't fix things.  Yes, God has blessed me with wonderful people to help guide me in a very uncertain time in my life, but there's still a lot to work through.  I honestly can't see past this year.  I have most of this next month here planned out, but as soon as 2012 hits, I am almost clueless as to what I will have ahead of me. I know I want to reach people through my writing, but sometimes, I just don't know how to do it.  I don't know what to share with readers.

About a week ago, I told a friend something like "God won't expect you give what you don't have.  He will fill you."  Today I have to remind myself of that.  I have been seeking God in many things recently, and my writing is one of them.  I believe He has shown me in part what He has in mind for me in this area, and it's much bigger than my own ideas.  But then I feel empty. I hit a phase of writer's block, and it doesn't seem possible.  I look at my life, and it seems like something that will never fly.  Ever.

As I was thinking about this, I was reminded of a lesson by a former Sunday school teacher.  He had an interactive way of teaching that made you remember his lessons years later. Even in my youth group, we still talk about the things we remember from years back, things like "start righteousnessing."  I could provide a whole list of things I remember.  I don't remember the exact topic of this lesson, but I remember the key verse he used.

Psalm 81:10 (ESV)
I am the Lord your God,
who brought you up out of the land of Egypt.
Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it.

I remember this verse because he used a picture to illustrate it, like he often did.   It was a picture of a nest full of baby birds, with their beaks wide open, waiting to be filled.  If we open up our mouth wide, God will fill it.  If I continue to seek God, and take time to listen to His voice, He will fill me.  He does not expect us to go on empty.  Although this teacher no longer stands and speaks to us on Sunday mornings, his words, his message still rings loud in our lives in many ways.  His impact is not forgotten.

No, I don't know what my life holds.  I don't know how far my words will reach.  I don't always know what my words will be.  But if I ask God, He will fill me.  I don't have to give what I don't have.  If I don't always turn out something significant here every week, be patient with me.  As the Lord leads, it will come.

What's the Point?

In this post, I will attempt to answer a question I have been struggling with for some time and I shared with someone last week. "One of my desires for my time now is to study classics and great literature, to study on my own, and to learn how to think. Is there any real profit in that? I would love to study through a university, but don't have the time or finances now and I'm not sure if it would even prepare me to do something meaningful. Is it just a selfish ambition or will it be something that I can actually some day use to make a difference. Is it okay or is it not?"

This desire was birthed in me a year and a half ago when I read A Thomas Jefferson Education by Oliver DeMille. Since then, I unfortunately haven't had the time I would like to devote to that ambition and I have begun to wonder if there's even a point. Would it result in me doing anything meaningful? Shouldn't I rather be active in feeding the poor, helping orphans, or freeing slaves? Is it a God-honouring desire or is it a mere waste of time on temporary things?

No. No, it's not a waste of time. I owe that conclusion to the wisdom of many individuals. I have read many articles on the issues of reading and education, received encouragement from friends, and have concluded that learning is a worthwhile pursuit. I appreciated the articles Alex and Brett Harris posted over at the Rebelution on John Piper's book Think, which I definitely intend to read. In their two posts on the book, they discuss the importance and benefit of reading and thinking hard things.

I was blessed awhile ago by what a young man shared with me. It was the idea that you can only teach your children what you know. Even if your ambition is to be a mother, you will only be able to pass on to them what you already know. He suggested that the parts of education that we don't "use" but that we remember are the ones that build us up the most.

I have also considered a few other ideas in reaching my conclusion. Classics or the great books are often referred to as the Western canon. These are the writings that have been most influential in shaping Western culture. Among them are works that have endured for hundreds, some over a thousand years. Think about that for a minute. There are people in our day who devote themselves to studying what people wrote hundreds of years ago. If their writings have been so influential and endured for so long that students in universities still study them today, I think I might to know what they had to say!

One of my desires has been to be a writer. In order to write well, you must first be able to read and think well. This can be achieved by reading literature. Also, a lot of what I write now is a result of reading. It has given my writing greater purpose. Thus, the reading and study of classics is helping me to hone my writing skills and brings me closer to achieving my goals.

I recently wrote a number of posts on Jane Eyre, a classic work of fiction. Through my study of the book, I have thought through some difficult issues. Classics often build moral character and offers excellent words of wisdom pertaining to various areas of life. They challenge the way we think and cause us to evaluate what we believe. These are just a few benefits.

I don't know where this desire will go. I don't know if I will ever have the opportunity to study and discuss these works at a college. But I intend to say no to ignorance and to learn what I can where I am. The resources available to me are numerous. And I think I can stop exploring. There's enough books I want to read to keep me busy for a lifetime.

Jane Eyre: Introduction

Today I'm introducing a new series I'll be writing for the next few weeks. I'm not sure how many posts it will be, how often I will share on it, and how many other posts will be placed in between. I did however want to start off with this post to just introduce it and let you know where I'm coming from.

About a year and a half ago when I was almost finished school, I read A Thomas Jefferson Education by Oliver DeMille, which I would recommend to students and parents alike. It's an awesome book authored by the founder of George Wythe University and it's all about teaching a new generation of leaders. It's faith based, compares public, home and private education, and focuses on teaching children through mentoring and the classics. It's about teaching children not what to think, but how to think. This is the book that inspired me to read and study classics.

Right now, I'm studying Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte. It's going much slower than I had hoped with all the different things I have going on right now, and I'm not quite half through, but it has already made me think deeply about so many different things. This series will be a discussion of my thoughts. I don't know how it will go or what kind of feedback I will get, but I want to encourage you to study and to think.

I'm also planning on approaching this in a way that may be unpopular and I want to explain why that is. Although the first few topics I will be discussing are faith-based, I don't want to look at them from a strictly Christian/Biblical perspective, although I will do that. I want to consider human reasoning as well. I want to consider matters from different perspectives. Why is this?

I think very often as Christians, when asked what we believe about something start off with something like "Well, the Bible says. . . ." I'm not necessarily saying this approach is wrong, but sometimes what the Bible says is not actually what we believe, or want to believe. We may believe that what the Bible says is right and true, but we don't necessarily like it. We wish it were different. We are humans and by nature we don't always agree with or want what is right and true, although we should. Also, when you enter into discussions with unbelievers, "The Bible says. . ." isn't going to cut it because they don't believe in it. You have to convince them of your reasoning otherwise.

As I've been thinking through the issues of Jane Eyre, I have been reminded what God's Word has to say about things. But in my heart, I want it to be different. I want to believe that a child's bitterness and resentment is justified by her pain and unfair treatment. And in some ways, I believe I can look at scripture and rightly do that. In some ways I can't.

I haven't embarked on this study to believe, think, or feel all the right things. I have embarked on this journey to learn how to think, to form my own opinions and ideas, to look at life from a different perspective, and perhaps to draw some conclusions, although I don't think I will reach many.

I invite you to join in the discussion, or to begin your own journey into the classics. What I will be sharing on here will likely be general discussions that people can understand without having read the book. I'll avoid giving away major plot details, especially later on, although I have no idea how far I'll go. Also, I haven't watched the new movie or trailer. I want to read and appreciate the book for what it is first. If you join the discussion, please don't give away any details.

Prayer Journals

It's been a year now since I started keeping a prayer journal. I used to write down prayer notes in my regular journals when I still did that, but never kept a focused prayer journal. I started it when I read Wrestling Prayer by Eric and Leslie Ludy and in the past year, I've filled many pages.

Why keep a prayer journal? That was my question too. I'm not sure what my reason was when I started, but one thing I like it for is to keep my prayer times focused. Very often when I go to prayer, I forget things and my mind and thoughts wander. Having a detailed list of things to pray about keeps me focused. Keeping a prayer journal also allows you to keep track and go back and see how God has answered.

Something I have avoided doing is sticking to a format. My journal entries vary. Some are just list of things to pray about. Some are cries of pain and my need for God's help. Some are just brief accounts of where I'm at spiritually. I don't journal everyday. Some days I have nothing significant to write down and there's times a couple weeks go by without me pulling it out. But I do try to use it regularly and take time to specifically spend in prayer.

In the past year, I've prayed about many things. Friends, family, my future husband, relationships, church, work, missions, ministry, for those hurting or in need and direction in life. I've prayed for a vision, passion and a purpose. I've prayed about different opportunities. I've prayed to show God's love to those around me. I've prayed for provision and health, in which God has answered in many ways. I've prayed about hindrances in my life and sins God has convicted me of.

I've prayed for God to prepare me to be a godly wife and mother, to be a help meet for the man He will one day bring to me, for a better understanding of what marriage is, and to keep myself pure. I pray for Him to guard over my husband and to prepare him to be the godly leader and provider of our home, to be a man of character with a deep love for God and others, a man who will make a difference. At times, I have sought contentment with tears as I wait on Him.

There's even been times where I've just earnestly prayed for a desire for prayer and the Word. It's okay to be honest with God if you don't feel like praying. We can't come to God unless He draws us. Our desire to pray and read His Word comes from Him. Draw nigh to Him, seek Him, and He will draw nearer. Plead for desire if need be. You don't have to be ashamed.

My journal bears record of a lot of joys and tears, ups and downs. It tells of how God has answered. Sometimes it hasn't been in a way I would have expected or even liked, but I have to trust that He knows best.

Try keeping a prayer journal. You don't need anything fancy. A plain spiral bound notebook will do. That's what I use right now. You don't need a formula. Just write what's on your heart. One day you will go back and be amazed at what God has done.

Does It Matter?

The work we do can often get discouraging. We can't help but wonder every now and then if what we do really matters or makes a difference. Does anybody care? I feel this way frequently about this blog. I spend time thinking and writing, but do people actually read it? Like it? Respond to it? Am I just wasting my time? It's easy to fall into this rut.

But very often when I feel like I'm tired of thinking up things to write about, or feel like it's all useless, I get a comment or message from somebody saying how they enjoy or are blessed by my blog. It matters that somebody cares and that I'm not just talking to the wind.

My blog is largely a place where I try to figure out life. If people want to get to know me better, this is a good place to start. Some of the things I write on here may not be true. Sometimes I'm wrong and that's okay. It's a part of learning and growing. There are things I write about that may not be popular among other people. There's things that both more "conservative Christians" and more "liberal Christians" would disagree with, although I don't quite like putting it in those terms.

The truth is that the things I write will not please everyone. If I had to please everyone, I would have to quit altogether. My desire is to live a life and write in such a way that is pleasing to the Lord, but I'm still prone to mess up a lot. Some people want to hear the truth and some people don't. I was reminded of Proverbs 3:1-4. Although there are scriptures that tell us living a life pleasing to God may bring persecution, verse 4 there tells us that we can also gain favour in the sight of man when we live a life pleasing to the Lord.

The things I do and write do make a difference. I was reminded of that again last week in several ways. I may be young, but people are watching and listening. And for my older readers, my advice is this: there are many people, especially young people who are looking for godly examples or mentor-figures in their lives. Don't be afraid to be one of them. What you write, teach and live out matters. It makes a difference.

It's disappointing when you write an article you're excited about or want feedback on and nobody comments. Now, in saying this, I don't want to make you feel guilty, but I would encourage you to respond to writers or anybody else for that matter. If you like what they have to say, tell them; if you disagree, tell them gently. Remember (and I need to tell myself this a lot more often) to disagree with the idea and not attack the person. Although God's approval is ultimately what matters, we as humans need reassurance from others as well. We need to know that it's making a difference. It's what keeps us going.

If you haven't yet, I would encourage you to read Stirring Up Inspiration. It's an article I did in January where I discuss feelings of inadequacy, fears we face about making our thoughts and feelings known and the influence we have on those around us. I ask questions and suggest ideas that may not be popular among some. Forgive my rambling in the beginning of it if you find it annoying.

I don't know exactly what God would have me accomplish in my life or through my writing, but judging from the feedback I have gotten and the doors it has opened, I do have influence. It may be small, but it certainly doesn't go unnoticed.

Lighted Lamp Magazine

So, I have something to tell that I'm excited about. There's a new teen e-magazine out, to encourage young people in their walk with the Lord called Lighted Lamp Magazine. I think things like this are great. They give us an opportunity to share and learn from each other and spur each other on for the kingdom. It allows teens to use their God-given gifts to express themselves and bring glory to Him.

This is also the first time I have gotten an article published in a magazine. It's a nice step up from this blog, although the thought of a lot of people reading what I have to say is almost frightening. But I thank God for this new opportunity and look forward to writing more articles for Lighted Lamp.

The magazine will be published on a monthly basis and you can find the very first issue here! I hope you will all be blessed as I was. And for those of you who have moved past the teen years, I trust that you will also greatly benefit from it.

Dear Singleness

Dear Singleness,

We have known each other for a really long time, about eighteen and a half years to be precise, and we have spent a lot of time together to say the least. You have always been there and stuck by me even when I wished I could get rid of you. If anybody claims to have never known a faithful friend, they sure haven't met you yet!

I have been thinking about you lately and the many years we've had together. We've shared so many memories, many filled with laughter, some with tears. We have spent time with family and friends, pushed through the dreary years of school and jumped into the real world of responsibility. We've grown up together, and now as I'm embarking on the journey of adulthood, whadda ya know, you're still with me.

You were there by my side as I sought the Lord and now continue to learn to love Him more. As I have grown spiritually and have now become a young woman, you were the one who always reminded me of my need to make Christ my first and only love and to seek my fulfillment in Him. You have done your job well.

As I grow older, I realize that our time together may be drawing to a close. Within a few years, it may be necessary for us to part and a new friend will take your place. I now it sounds like betrayal and abandonment, but it's not. You were created for such a time, and it is you who will make it all the more beautiful. I know I haven't always loved you the way I should have, and for that I am sorry, but I want you to know how much I appreciate you and all that you have taught me. God has used you to shape me into who I am and I know He will continue to do so until the day we say Good-bye.

In the meantime, Singleness, let's make the most of the remaining time we have. Let's love and serve the Lord together, pouring ourselves out for Him. The coming years will go by fast enough, so we must treasure every moment. Thank you for all you have ever been.

With all my love,
Margaret

Emptied to be Filled

It was late one cold, dark night when a young woman came before the Lord. Her feet felt heavy as she approached His majestic throne. At first, she couldn't find the words to say, nor could she bring herself to look up into His face. But she felt His loving gaze upon her and He quietly prompted her to speak her heart. She struggled but for a moment before the floodgates of her heart had opened.

“How long, oh Lord, how long?” she pleaded. “When will I ever come out of this darkness, this place of restlessness? I thought you were a God of joy and peace?”

“I am, child, I am,” He gently replied.

“Then why can’t I feel it? God, my life is a mess and I just don’t know what to do anymore. Why won’t you help me?”

“I will help you, if you are willing to be helped,” He said.

“What do You mean, if I’m willing to be helped? Is that not what I asked You for?”

“Are you willing to let go and surrender everything I ask you to? Are you willing to submit to Me and be obedient, no matter what the cost? Are you ready to let me cleanse your life and make you like Myself? It will not be easy.”

What could He possibly ask her to do, she wondered? Was she not already living for Him? She wavered momentarily and then desperately said, “I think so. I will do anything; just help me out of this place!”

At once He began to show her things in her life that she had done to hurt Him and others. She saw acts of sin and selfishness, words spoken that cut and hurt. She saw chains of bondage called Fear, Guilt, Shame, Regret, and Insecurity. She remembered all the times God asked her to do something and said no out of fear of what may happen. She wondered that although she had repented of all these things and received His forgiveness, that she still felt guilt and shame? Where was the healing God always promised? Where was the freedom, joy and peace?

Knowing her thoughts, He looked at her and said, “Until you let go and submit and obey whatever I command you, you cannot know the fullness of these things, my freedom, joy and peace.”

She shook her head violently. “No,” she reasoned, “I can’t. Think of what will happen to me if I obey? I mean, I know I can trust You, but what about my reputation? What if what I do will not be accepted and I will only be hated and put to more shame? I can’t do it God. I can’t.”

“Oh, my child,” He said sadly, “unless you surrender your entire life, with all of your plans, hopes, dreams, your fears, guilt, shame, insecurities, unless you make My will your will, I cannot truly help you. I need your whole life, with nothing held back. Then I can make something beautiful out of it.”

“Beautiful?” The word almost sounded strange and foreign to her ears. “How can my life possibly be beautiful?”

“What you see is only a portion of the bigger picture. I’m painting a beautiful masterpiece with your life, but you will not see it clearly until I’m finished. It will take me many years yet to finish, but I promise you it will be beautiful.”

By now tears were streaming down her cheeks. “No. It’s way too painful. I can’t handle it. It hurts too much.”

He looked at her with tears in His eyes. “It hurt me too.” With that, He showed her His nail-pierced hands and pointed to the cross where He had hung, stripped and beaten, where blood had flowed from His wounds and crowds mocked and ridiculed Him to pay the price for her sin. The very Son of God, Creator of the universe, cared enough for her, a poor, wretched sinner to endure such agony and death. How could she do anything but submit to Him?

Slowly, she felt her heart soften as she let go of all the things that had enslaved her for so many years. She watched it all fall down at His feet. All of her hopes, dreams, plans, and deepest desires. All of her joys, tears, fears, guilt, shame. Several times she came across something that she felt she could not let go. “Anything but this,” she would say. It was too much. She looked up at His sad, compassionate eyes. “Everything?” she choked.

“Yes. Everything.”

He watched as slowly every last thing in her life slipped through my fingers. Then, she looked around her and despair seemingly flooded her soul. Again she looked up at her Lord as tears once again made their way down her cheeks and dropped to the ground. “It’s all gone. Every last piece of my life is gone. I’ve given it all to You. There’s nothing left.”

Slowly a smile spread across His face. “Oh, but you’re wrong, my child. Now that you’re empty, you are ready to experience the fullness of Myself, the fullness of joy and peace that I give and no one can take away. Now that you are empty and broken, you are ready to be made complete. You are ready to experience My best plans for you and a life so fresh and exciting beyond anything you could ever have imagined. Yes, hard times will still come, but you will experience my nearness like never before. Don’t you see it now, my child? You were emptied so you could finally be filled.”

She smiled, and in her heart, she knew that it was enough.

I Will Find You

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It happened suddenly

But we all knew it

We fled

Racing towards closing doors

Trying to escape

I pushed through the crowds

I knew it was my time

But this was not where I wanted to die

A hand took hold of mine

A strong hand

Helping others reach freedom

I turned

Looked into his eyes

Beautiful eyes

Full of love

Full of pain

“Go. I will find you,” he promised

I was torn

I didn’t want to go

But I knew I had to

I fled out into the streets

People crying

Seeking refuge

I waited

I hoped

I prayed

But he never came.

Answering Questions

When asking for suggestions on what to post about, I got several suggestions and I will now expand on a few.

I finally have some more information on my job. As I said in my last post, I got a part-time position at a cafe in my hometown. I will simply be a counter attendant, and will be going back and forth from cash, coffee and other hot drinks, making smoothies, making sandwiches and so forth. I'm looking forward to it and know it will be a good challenge finding a proper balance between work, school, home, and a social life. This week, I'm still making preparations, making uniforms, doing some studying, cooking while I still have time, and so on.

I also got a suggestion on writing. Now, my book hasn't made any progress since the summer. It hasn't particularly been a priority as I've been getting busier with other things and I prefer reading books over trying to write one. There are a few things that I have learned about writing, though. When you write, you find out a lot about yourself. I have more than once surprised myself when I write because I guess I myself don't often expect what actually comes out. More often than not, though, I see where my line of thinking is wrong. I discover what I really believe, but I can't say I'm always pleased by what I find.

So there's another random post about not a whole lot of anything, but since I asked for suggestions, I might as well post about them.