The Signs and Wonders Movement -- EXPOSED

This is a book report I did as part of a Spiritual Life assignment at Steinreich Bible School.

*  * *

The Signs and Wonders Movement—EXPOSED is authored by Mark Haville, Chris Hand, Philip Foster, and Peter Glover, each of whom discusses a particular aspect of the “signs and wonders” movement/Word-Faith Movement. Haville shares his personal experience as a former Word-Faith minister, Hand about the “Toronto Blessing” and its fruit, Foster about what is really happening when leaders perform many so-called signs and wonders, and Glover about what the Bible says about signs and wonders and their place in the church today. What I would like to discuss further is the character of many “signs and wonders” leaders, what is actually happening at the meetings, how it compares to what the Bible teaches, and some more personal reflections. This is something I was often very suspicious of when I heard about it or saw it on videos, and this book has given me the confidence that what I see is not the working of the Holy Spirit.

First, Haville gives a lot of insight as to who the leaders in the movement really are and what their lives look like. Many of these preachers experience great personal fame and fortune, and a lot of the money raised for them at meetings only serves to increase their personal comforts. Their “seed sowing” teachings aren't benefiting the givers, but serving to line their own pockets. Many claim exaggerated numbers of converts, many of whom are never seen in churches again. Also, Haville noticed that many preachers wanted nothing more to do with ordinary people after their meetings were over. This kind of character and lack of integrity in leaders is enough to raise serious questions among believers. However, many also claim to have received personal revelations directly from God, which are not necessarily supported by scripture. All of this, completely apart from the fact that what they're doing at meetings is merely a performance, falsely taught as the working of the Holy Spirit, is enough to ask if they're really preaching according to God's will, or if they're actually wolves dressed in sheep's clothing.

What is happening at many Faith-Word meetings is far from “manifestations” or “anointings” of the Holy Spirit. These so called “manifestations” are often characterized by people falling over, laughing or shaking uncontrollably, becoming rigid like statues, having visions, or experiencing emotional and physical healings. (Also, interesting to note is that 95% of people have a “good trip” in a trance, but 5% have a “bad trip”, whereby they are often damaged for a long time.) What is actually happening though is stage hypnotism, where the leader draws people into alternate states of consciousness. This is a process leaders have been taught by other leaders, and many don't even know that what they're doing is related to occultic practices and opening people up to dark spirit worlds. The preacher has to be in complete control of the proceedings, build expectation, and create an atmosphere that brings people into trances. Music is a big part of how they do this. Attendees are taken through a process where they are encouraged to empty their minds, not to think, not to pray, not to analyze what is happening to them but rather to “just drink.” In the end, what people experience can all be achieved by hypnosis, and the physical healings people claim are temporary, something that can also be achieved the same way. Also, Haville points out that a lot of modern speaking in tongues is nothing but gibberish, something that can be learned as well, whereas genuine speaking in tongues can't be done randomly at a person's own will. These explanations all make it very clear that this isn't God moving; not on His own, and not through occultic practices.

What the book analyzes as well is what does the Bible teach about signs and wonders and how does it compare to what is really happening. A big emphasis, which I think is very important, is how the Holy Spirit is the primary focus in these leaders and at these meetings. However, the Bible clearly states that the purpose of the Holy Spirit is to testify of Jesus, not of Himself. Also, signs and wonders in Acts were performed primarily by apostles and a few others closely connected to them; it was not common or normal for all believers, nor should we expect it to be today. “We are not called to expect on-going signs and wonders. The sign-gifts were for a very specific purpose and attached to a very specific office—that of the apostle.” (pg. 91) The authors do believe that God still works signs and wonders today, but that they are not the norm and are performed at God's will, not man's. The Bible also never tells people to empty their minds, stop thinking, or stop praying, but rather to pray, be watchful, sober, awake, and to test the spirits. Although there are indications in Acts that it was a significant event when believers received the Holy Spirit, it never tells of people being unable to control themselves, falling down, or laughing hysterically as a result. What I'm not sure of is if I agree with all of Glover's points about how little place there is for signs and wonders or apostolic gifts now. I would not call myself a cessasionist, but I think he brings out good points of what we need to beware of, and I believe that a large amount of the spectacles we see are not actually God at work.

There were some things I personally noted through reading the book that also helped me to see more that the “signs and wonders” movement is not of God. In having to be in complete control of meetings and “anointing” people at their own will, it became clear to me that many of these leaders are seeking to put God under their control, rather than placing themselves under God's control. They want to decide what God does and when. Also, throughout the book, I had to consider what people are seeking at these meetings. Foster explains how people become addicted to the euphoria they experience in their trances and return to meetings, seeking the same experiences again and again. This reminds me a lot of the “high” people often seek in drugs and sex. Could it be that most are just seeking a self-fulfilling “feel-good” experience? And finally, what is noted in the book, and I also see in the Bible is that a lot of people just want a show. They want to see something exciting happen. It's nothing new; people came to Jesus repeatedly seeking signs, but He knew their hearts and knew it wouldn't cause them to believe in Him. I would venture to say that overall, the hearts and intentions of many leaders and attendees of these meetings are just not right.

I would be quick to recommend The Signs and Wonders Movement—EXPOSED. It's something I have long been suspicious about, and now I understand that was for good reason. Many of the leaders don't deal with integrity and they are (knowingly or unknowingly) deceiving thousands of people by telling them they're experiencing the Holy Spirit when really they've been trapped in occultic practices. They encourage practices and produce results not found in scripture, but rather engage in occultic practices that the Bible forbids. The results produced by these “anointings” are not scriptural. Also, leaders seem to be trying to make God their servant, and attendees are seeking self-fulfilling experiences to make them feel good. I'm glad I read this book and now understand what many of these so-called “signs and wonders” are really all about.

You're NOT Hopeless (Despite What The Message May Suggest)

Note: Prior to reading this, I want the reader to understand a few things. It has been a long time since I have written something like this. What follows is my perspective on a paraphrase of the Bible, but more than that, it's the truth I came to see through it. This is about so much more than The Message.  I make no efforts to be politically correct. I don't think I need to. Even if you don't agree with my perspective on The Message, or my faith, I ask you to consider the rest of what I have to say. Please, please, read down to the end.

As part of my New Year's Resolution, yesterday I decided to read The Message, Eugene Peterson's paraphrase of the Bible, for my devotions. I had never read The Message before, except for excerpts quoted in books. To say I don't think highly of Bible paraphrases is putting it lightly, but the opinion is not based on much personal experience. I currently read the ESV, and aside from that I most frequently go back to the KJV, although I have also read a few other translations.

Reading The Message for myself was about putting my religiosity aside. It was about actually reading something for myself instead of just forming opinions based on what I read from other sources. I basically picked up where I was reading and ended up reading Matthew 20 - 24, which I had to do online, since I don't have a print copy. I decided, that as much as I wanted to, I was not going to pick up my ESV Bible and compare while reading. Having said that, this morning I read through the same chapters in the ESV.

As I was reading through the passages, a lot of it, especially the parables, didn't surprise me too much. It reminded me of how a speaker might expound on a passage in his message to simplify it or help the reader understand what is being said. I felt that there was some inconsistency in the language used. Peterson seemed to randomly switch between staying close to the original text and using modern language and analogies.

There were several times I found myself going "Really?!" in disbelief at how Peterson said something. At other times, I admit I had ideas of how he could have said something better. Before I go any further and get to the real point of my article, I want to say this: What I'm not saying is that people shouldn't read The Message. I can see that it could be useful, and also allows the reader to understand what something might look like today, that we can't necessarily relate to in 2015 North America. However, I do not think it can be read as the Word of God for solid teaching and instruction. It could be a useful supplement, but I don't think it should be used as a primary source for teaching and searching for truth.

As I read, I think the chapter that unsettled me the most was Matthew 23. Here Peterson deviates a lot from Jesus actually said and replaces with modern analogies. Where Jesus pronounces woes on the scribes and Pharisees, Peterson writes "I've had it with you! You're hopeless, you religion scholars, you Pharisees! Frauds!" (Matthew 23:13) The ESV translation says "But woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites!" In the following verses, where the ESV uses "Woe to you", Peterson uses "You're hopeless".

This made me stop and think. Jesus would not say that. I really couldn't believe that Jesus would look at a group of people and call them hopeless. I couldn't believe that Jesus would write the scribes and Pharisees off as a hopeless case. Why would Peterson say that? I admit, there are times when I look at people and think they're hopeless, when I allow myself to believe they will never come to the light. But that is only when I forget about the great redeeming power of God. It's only when I look at them through my limited human perspective and forget the deep love and compassion God has for them. No, despite what Peterson said, the scribes and Pharisees were not hopeless.

Later last night, I lay in bed pondering this. And I got angry. Staring at the ceiling in the dark, in a whisper I shouted "No! No!" I was angry that someone would put those words in the mouth of Jesus. And slowly tears filled my eyes and began to slide down my face. To suggest that Jesus would look at someone and call them hopeless?! Yes, that was enough to make me cry.

As I continued to ponder this last night and today, I concluded it was simply impossible. If Jesus looked at the scribes and Pharisees and said "You're hopeless!", in essence what He was also saying is "I can't help you." Let me add some further context. At this time, Jesus is speaking in the temple just days before he is arrested, beaten, stripped naked, and crucified for ALL HUMANITY. It is mere days before He is to go to the cross, die a brutal death, be buried, resurrect, and thereby conquer sin and death. And He's telling the religious leaders they're hopeless? If Jesus  were to imply that they were a hopeless bunch, then He's also saying that the sacrifice He Himself is about to make, the greatest one this world has ever seen, is INSUFFICIENT.

No, the scribes and Pharisees were not hopeless, and I do not believe that Jesus ever would have wanted someone to think that. In fact, Jesus held ALL THE HOPE IN THE WORLD FOR THEM. Jesus said a lot of hard things in His ministry, and there are a lot that I cannot understand. But I cannot accept this idea. If you look back two chapters when Jesus is speaking in the temple, He shares a parable and asks a question of the religious leaders. After they answer, it says "Jesus said to them, 'Truly, I say to you, the tax collectors and prostitutes go into the kingdom of God before you. For John came to you in the way of righteousness, and you did not believe him, but the tax collectors and the prostitutes believed him. And even when you saw it, you did not afterward change your minds and believe him.'" (Matthew 21:31b-32, ESV)

When I read those last couple verses, I can gather that the religious leaders were far from the kingdom of God. But there is absolutely no indication that they were beyond redemption. Just to make sure I wasn't totally in left field with my ideas, I checked Merriam-Webster's definition of "hopeless". Some of the definitions were "having or feeling no hope"; "unable to be changed"; and "incapable of redemption or improvement". If you serve Jesus, let me ask you this: Does that sound like something your Redeemer, THE Redeemer, would say? I also looked up "woe", as used in the ESV, just to make sure the word didn't mean hopeless or something. According to Merriam-Webster, "woe" as an interjection is "used to express grief, regret, or distress." I also looked up the word in Greek as used in Matthew 23, and it is indeed an interjection, "A primary exclamation of grief", according to Blue Letter Bible. From this evidence, I can certainly conclude that Jesus did not think the scribes and Pharisees were hopeless. However, He was deeply grieved over them. He extended the same invitation to them as to everyone else, but they weren't willing to receive it.

I want to take this further and relate it to my own life, and also speak into the lives of my readers. No one is hopeless. No one is beyond the redeeming power of Jesus. (The one case where I hold back is the blasphemy of the Holy Spirit, and I'm not going to involve that in this discussion due to my limited understanding.) God has carried me through a lot of pain and brokenness. I know the hope that is found in Jesus. I have experienced some intense battles. One truth I'm learning is that the Gospel is sufficient for all things, and I choose to believe it even when I'm not immediately changed the way I want to be. Even when my spirit and flesh are at war with each other, and I allow flesh to win, I still cry out to Jesus, because I know that Jesus is my ONLY HOPE!

Now I want to say to my reader that you are not hopeless. No human being is so sinful or so religious that God cannot save and redeem them.  His grace extends to everyone. And I want to say to everyone, no matter what you have done, or where you find yourself, you are NOT hopeless.

To the liar, the cheat, the thief, and the fraud. You are NOT hopeless.

To the the rapist, the molester, the trafficker, the brothel owner, the pimp, the prostitute, the hustler, the john, the exotic dancer, and the porn star. You are NOT hopeless.

To the slave owner, trader, and beater. You are NOT hopeless.

To the fornicator, adulterer, homosexual, and ashamed or unashamed sexual addict of any kind. You are NOT hopeless.

To the abusive, negligent, or absent parent or spouse. You are NOT hopeless.

To the murderer, the terrorist, or the drunk driver that left a trail of broken, bleeding hearts. You are NOT hopeless.

To the mother and father that left your unborn baby bloody, dismembered, and disemboweled in the garbage at the abortion clinic, and to the doctor that did it. You are NOT hopeless.

To the mentally unstable, the depressed, the alcoholic, and drug addict. You are NOT hopeless.

To the medicator, the one hurting yourself to cover up a deeper pain, the one who thinks this world would be better off without you, or the one who thinks you just can't face one more day. You are NOT hopeless.

To the politicians and courts who are corrupt, who allow unspeakable injustices in our world, who allow parents to murder their children, who allow doctors to help people kill themselves, and who try to educate our young children in immorality. You are NOT hopeless.

To the broken, bleeding, abused, orphaned, widowed, lonely, enslaved, and abandoned. You are NOT hopeless.

To the person bound to the letter of the law, to the self-righteous, the religious, and the scribes and Pharisees of today. You are NOT hopeless.

If I forgot or didn't mention you, I want you to know something too. You are NOT hopeless.

No matter who you are, where you've been, what you've done, or what's been done to you, you are NOT hopeless. Jesus is HOPE. Jesus is LOVE. Jesus is GRACE. Jesus is REDEMPTION. And that extends to EVERYONE.

You are NOT hopeless. Jesus wants YOU!

Jesus Loves Me

I just had a horrible week.  I was miserable, and then I finally snapped.  I'm not going into the details here.  Quite frankly, I'm not comfortable with being that transparent right now.  But by the end of the week, I had done everything from beat myself up, battled fears, hated myself, and been extremely angry and screaming inside.  And I just had to cry to let some of it out.  Yep, when I become miserable, it's bad.  And usually when I'm miserable, I don't write publicly, but today I am.  I'm rarely daring enough to be this real, or I think my life is too messed up to share anything.

I can point to the source of a lot of my misery.  Giving into temptations, the school course that is filled with so much I would normally never consume that changes the way I think and feel (that makes me curse inside, even if I wouldn't say it out loud), the pressure of trying to make my plans happen, the frustrations of trying to manage my small income when I have huge expenses, and wondering if I can make it all work out.  Trying so hard to remain in control of my life, and realizing I just can't do it.

There is one thing that keeps me going, aside from a handful of people praying for me, is carrying me through this.  Just one simple truth.  Jesus loves me.  No matter what happens, what I go through, and what I face, Jesus loves me.  On the days I know I deserve anything but His love, Jesus loves me.  His love is deep, strong, and unchanging.  It remains firm.  His love and faithfulness is all I can bank on when it feels like everything is falling apart.

I don't know what this coming week holds, the rest of this year, or next year.  But I know what I'm holding on to.  Jesus loves me.  It's all I got.

Struggles of a Dreaming Realist

It sounds complicated, because it is.  I have entitled this post "Struggles of a Dreaming Realist", but that's really only a condensed title.  It could be "Struggles of a Christian Dreaming Realist Who Happens to be a Single Mennonite Young Woman Taught in a Conservative Church Environment, Always Too Concerned What Others Will Think of Her".  Now that provides a little more context.  But I think modern writing laws likely forbid such lengthy titles.

This is essentially an article that explains why I am the way I am, at least to the extent that I'm willing to share publicly.  I find myself in a transition phase of life once again, trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up, and how am I possibly going to get there.  I am 22, single, unemployed, and evaluating my options in terms of work and education.  I just finished a summer of volunteer service in NY, but find myself wading through the struggle again of finding my place, having to make ends meet, trying to find something I actually enjoy doing, and maybe breaking down some of the barriers in my life that keep me from greater things.

But it's not easy.  The challenges of circumstances, upbringing, and what has been drilled into my brain for the last 10 years doesn't make it easy.  I have come to a place where I don't have to worry for a second that people will shoot down my ideas and dreams.  I do that myself.  And I do that to just about everyone else that make suggestions to me for my life.  I only realized this in the last few weeks and months in the conversations I've had with various people.  They see my potential, the things I'm capable of, the knowledge, the ability, the talent and tell me about what I could do.  My response usually ends up being my well thought logical reasoning (ahem, excuses) of why it's not possible.

I wasn't always this way.  Eight years ago, I was going in 10th grade, and like everyone else, trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I had good grades and teachers had high hopes for me.  I was going to defy my cultural upbringing, go on to university, and build a successful career.  I took up a feminist flag and was going to follow my dreams.  I just hadn't ironed out the details yet.

Then life changed.  I had a spiritual breakthrough, started to home school, and a year later my dreams and life goals consisted of getting married, having a family and home schooling my children.  And I expected it to start happening fast, like, before I was 20.  (Are there ever prayers I'm thankful God didn't answer!)  With such a life ideal, there was no need to pursue a career.  Not only was there no need, it wasn't Biblical.  This was my way of thinking at the time.  So a post-secondary education at an institution was a waste of time and money that I didn't have anyway.  As a young woman, I was expected to stay at home, honour my parents, live a quiet life, prepare for marriage and wait until God brought my husband to me.  Oh, and no matter what happened, I had to be content!

Over the next few years, I swayed from this.  Prince Charming didn't come riding in before I was 20 and I was destined to become an old maid.  I began to toy with the idea of going back to school.  I had a love for writing and studying classic literature, maybe philosophy, and I wanted to do that from a Christian perspective.  But a visit to a university convinced me that for that, I was better off studying at home.  Besides, what if Prince Charming happened to show up during that time, or what if he would have come into my life, had I not gone off to pursue my education?  I hate to admit it, but the elusive prince was (and still is) always in the back of my mind when it came to making big life decisions.  I didn't want to do anything that might crush that dream and doom me to be single forever!

I started to become a rebel of sorts in my Christian surroundings.  I had grown in my faith under some solid teaching and had adopted some strong standards and convictions in everything from courtship, modesty, media, and Biblical womanhood, many for which I am incredibly grateful for.  But things tended to slip at times.  When tested, my convictions didn't stand.  I compromised.  And I realized many of the convictions I held to weren't actually my own.  I had only adopted them from others.  And when convictions are not your own, they don't stand the test.

And so I began to take risks and became more "me."  I would voice my daring opinions, do things others might not, and live a slightly more exciting life than some of the young people around me.  I tried new things and went places others hadn't.  There were some choices I'm very happy about, and there are also many I regret.  But today, I still find myself concerned for my reputation and what other people will think of me.

Please understand.  I want God's will for my life.  I really do.  However, God's will and the church's will can often get confused.  And when your ears are so accustomed to hearing the church's expectations and other people are pulling at you from different sides, it can be hard to discern God's specific plans for your life.  There simply is not a cookie cutter mold that fits for everyone.

At the present time in my life, I find myself very torn.  I desire God's will for my life in all areas.  I still desire marriage and a family, and I still want to focus my energy on raising and teaching my children, as opposed to being a working mom.  But that dream remains on a distant horizon.  In the past year and half, I have volunteered, traveled, and discovered great ways to use my gifts and talents.  I have had many people observe me and encourage me to use those skills and to find a good, well-paying job.  I have also had more encourage me to continue my education, so that I can pursue the better-paying careers and make the most of my skills and talents.

In one way, I'd love to.  These people have shown me that I have let a part of myself die.  They have dared me to dream again, to revive old interests and talents, and to become everything I could be.  And they mean well.  They really do.  And I appreciate them for that.

The problem is, the realistic thinker kicks in and explains the challenges of the rural area in which I live, the commuting distance for those better jobs, and how my lack of post-secondary education disqualifies me in the eyes of so many employers.  "Have you considered going back to school?", or something like that, is a question that comes up with increasing frequency.  And I continue to explain my circumstances.  Finances presently do not allow and I am incredibly adamant about living debt-free as far as I possibly can.  Besides, I can't decide exactly what I want to do, so I don't want to invest the time and money.  And if I do, I have to make sure that it doesn't conflict with my long-term family goals.  On and on I go, spitting out my reasoning, trying to make myself sound like an intelligent young woman, trying to convince them I'm right.  In the back of my mind, and in prayer, I continue to wrestle with what God's will for my life is.  And what about, what about...the prince?

Today, I sat down and explored some more educational options.  I'm trying.  I am.  I'm trying to evaluate which educational or career path would be best for me, what would be the best use of my skills and interests, what would open up the most opportunities.  Do I go for something that seems safe, or something I would really enjoy?  Something that would mean being out in the work force, or allow me to work from home?  There are many options, many possibilities, all of which are currently out of reach.

I made a plan about a month or so ago outlining how I was going to begin opening up opportunities for my life, how I was going to try things I've always wanted to learn, like swimming and crocheting, how I was going to study literature again and work on my writing skills again.  And yes, even buy my own flute and start playing again.  I put all these goals, these hopes, into charts and neatly prioritized and applied the finances required to see some of these dreams fulfilled, in the midst of all the other demands on my time and finances.

It felt good.  It felt good to dream again, to have a plan, to know I could go home and forge ahead, see things happen, achieve a level of success, accomplishment, and just do things I had so often wished I could.  But as so often happens, God showed me just how quickly he can turn everything upside down, and nothing but dust may be left of my dreams.

No matter how hard I try, no matter how great my dreams, and how much I plan, I'm not in control.  It means nothing if it's not what God desires for me.  And perhaps sometimes He sits on His throne, shaking His head, wondering "Why is she trying this again?"  I have seen God change my plans time and time again.

No matter what I do, life is still unpredictable.  Everything can change in a heartbeat.  The plans, the hopes, the dreams that once mattered so much can become entirely insignificant.

So what does this long rant and explanation of my life leave me to conclude?

I can try.  I can dream.  I can make plans and set goals.  But without God's leading, it means nothing.  I can put myself on the throne and force things, make them happen, no matter what the cost, but it will mean nothing.  I will not be happy or fulfilled.  And people would have no reason to applaud me for any of my accomplishments.  I could give all my time, resources and energy and perhaps attain success, but completely miss the mark!

So how do I respond?  I have but one choice that makes any sense.

If the Lord wills, I will.

"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." --Proverbs 16:9

What Makes God Faithful?

This year has been full of joys and challenges.  The future remains unknown.  But I am so thankful for what this year has taught me about the faithfulness of God.  I know God is faithful.  It's not because I have seen Him move great mountains in my life, although He may do that at times.  He's faithful because He is.  He is Faithful.  He is called Faithful and True (Revelation 19:11).  He is Faithful and therefore He will not abandon me or be unfaithful, no matter where I end up.

2 Timothy 2:11-13 (ESV):
The saying is trustworthy, for:
If we have died with him, we will also live with him;
if we endure, we will also reign with him;
if we deny him, he also will deny us;
if we are faithless, he remains faithful--
for he cannot deny himself.

I don't completely understand this passage of scripture, but I am thankful for it.  I don't have to understand it to believe it.  But knowing that God is Faithful helps me understand it.  If He calls Himself Faithful and True, if that's his very name, to be unfaithful would be to deny Who He is.

So what makes God faithful?  The fact that He is Faithful.  No other reason is needed.

Submitting to One Another

Ephesians 5:21
submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.

What does it mean to submit to one another?

For any readers who may know me well personally, you will know that submission is generally not my favourite topic of discussion.  I can be a dominating young woman and I don't always like the idea of having to submit to other people.  But I have grown to understand it and I'm learning to live it, although not without glitches.  Well, parts of it anyway.

I can understand submission to authority.  God tells us in His Word that we are to submit to Him, to parents, to husbands, to government leaders, to our elders, and to every ordinance of man.  It's not always easily done, but I get it.  However, in his letter to the Ephesians, the Apostle Paul tells the church to submit themselves to one another.  In other words, they were supposed to submit themselves to the ordinary people in the church, people on the same level as them.

This is something I have only come to understand in recent weeks, and it hasn't come easy.  What does submitting to one another mean for my life?  It means I don't always get my way.  It means people make decisions that I wouldn't have made and I have to go along with it.  Sometimes it means that if I let people in on my ideas, they have different ideas, and in the end, it doesn't turn out the way I anticipated.  I may not even get any credit.  And I have to be okay with that.  I choose to be okay with it, not because I always agree, but to keep the peace and not cause problems and divisions.  Also, sometimes what I perceive to be good for me, I can clearly see is not good for someone else.  Then I yield my desires for the good of someone else.

I'm also a person who likes to have a plan and work my plan.  Submitting to one another means I no longer govern my schedule as if it's all about me.  I hold my time, my plans, and resources out to God in an open hand.  If I lived on my own, it would be easy, but I live with my family, and sometimes my family has different plans for my day than I do.  Sometimes other people have different plans than I do.  So I submit and do my best to be flexible.  I look to their needs and desires before my own. I still make plans so I can be intentional about how I use my time, but I leave room for something to come up.

These are a couple ways I have been learning to submit to one another.  I'm sure in the future I will continue to have many more opportunities to practice this.  How have you been learning to submit to one another?

Leading or Following?

 Do you want to walk with Jesus, or do you want Jesus to walk with you?

This thought came to me after I was reading My Utmost for His Highest on March 9 where Oswald Chambers discusses John 6:67.  Jesus had explained that no one could come to Him unless it was granted by the Father, and from that point on, many stopped following Him.  Jesus turned to the twelve and asks if they wanted to go away as well. 

After reading this, I thought about whether I was walking with Jesus, or if I was expecting Jesus to walk with me.  I do sometimes ask Jesus to walk with me, or be with me, when I think I'm going to have a difficult day. I want to feel His presence and I want things to go smoothly. Louie Giglio's Prayer: Remix series has challenged me in this, and I try not to ask God to be with me anymore, because He is already with me, and living in me.

There's a difference between me wanting to walk with Jesus and wanting Jesus to walk with me.  You see, when someone invites me to go for a walk with them, it's usually understood that I will walk where they want to walk.  Unless we come to a mutual agreement and we both know where we're going and how to get there, one of us is always leading, even if we're walking side by side.

When Jesus asks me to follow Him, or walk with Him, it's of the understanding that He's the One leading.  If I say "Yes, Jesus, I will walk with You", I'm going to go where He goes.  He gets to decide which roads we take, where we go, who we serve, etc.  He gets to decide whether or not we go to work, to the mall, to watch a movie, or if we go to the prisons, the orphans, widows, to another country, etc.

However, if I get up in the morning and ask Jesus to walk with me, what I'm actually saying is that I'm leading the way and I just want His company.  I want His God stamp on what I do, His blessings, and His encouragement on the uphill climbs.  I have a rough road ahead of me and I'm scared to go alone. 

The problem is, Jesus doesn't follow.  The only one He follows is the Father.  (The Bible doesn't say it exactly that way, but Jesus made it clear that He always did the will of the Father.)  He didn't walk with His disciples.  His disciples walked with Him.  They went where He went, served where He served, ate with the people He ate with, not the other way around.  He led the way, even if they were walking side by side.

Perhaps when you ask Jesus to walk with you, you really do have it in your heart to follow Him.  Then we perhaps need to change the way we say it.  Instead of saying "Jesus, would you walk with me today?", say "Jesus, I want to walk with You today.  I can't walk this road alone, so I want to follow You.  Where do You want to go?  Where do you want to take me?"  The scenario changes.  Now it's clear who's leading and who's following.  It's clear that it's about you wanting to do what God wants, not just wanting God's rubber stamper on your plans, as Louie Giglio would put it.

Where are you at in your life?  Are you walking with Jesus, or are you expecting Him to walk with you?

Is Following Jesus Worth It?

I saw this justice video by Micah Bournes a few weeks ago.  Like most videos by this word artist, I really liked it.  Near the end, I thought you could almost replace the word "justice" with "following Jesus" in this video.  There are many striking similarities between pursuing justice and following Jesus, and how it is perceived by the world around us. (Please watch the short video before reading further.)

Following Jesus does seem to be a very futile pursuit for many people.  It doesn't promise success and prosperity, although some try to make it sound that way.  You probably won't see a grand increase in the world's goods if you follow Jesus' command to deny yourself daily, take up your cross and follow Him.  It likely won't be very profitable if you try to measure it in those terms.

The thing about following Jesus is, we'll never reach a point in this life where we'll be able to say "I've made it.  I'm done working for God, and now I can sit back and relax until Jesus comes."  No.  We work until He comes or your physical bodies die.  Only then have we finished the race.  We can give up along the way if we want to.  But if we understand the price Jesus paid, and the reward that follows, we won't. 

Most people in this world don't perceive following Jesus as worth it.  Many Christians at some point wonder if it's worth it.  I know I have.  (I also think our churches are full of people who are tired of the idea of following Jesus, because they're not actually doing it the way they should.)  But as in pursuing justice, I don't think the question "Is it even worth it?", comes very often from those who have laboured for years for Jesus Christ, who have given their lives to the ministry, to preaching the Gospel.  I don't think it comes often from those who have spent years in the mission field, feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, healing the sick, caring for orphans and widows, freeing the captives and being the hands and feet of Jesus to the least of these. 

Oh, I'm sure they get tired.  I'm sure there are days some have no strength of their own and only God's strength sustains them.  But as tired as I'm sure they often get, I don't think they often wonder if it's worth it.  They know it is worth it.  They know because they have communed with Jesus.  They have spent time in His presence and they have grown to have a heart for the things He has a heart for, for the people He has a heart for.  They have developed a Christ-like love that empties and pours out self for the good of someone else.  They have given their lives for the broken-hearted, for the wounded.  They have toiled to see souls come into the kingdom and set free from the power of sin.  Like Jesus, they have come to see that their lives are worth the sacrifice.  And for those who follow Jesus like that, I think it would be offensive for them to be asked if it was worth it.

Where's your relationship with Jesus?  Are you busy following Him, or have you grown tired of the idea?  For myself, I admit I have at times probably grown tired of the idea.  But I don't want it to stay that way.  I want to come to the place where I commune and identify with Christ, where I have a heart for the people and things He has a heart for, so much so that it becomes offensive to me to be asked or to wonder if following Him is worth it.  I want to be able to cry out myself "What do you mean, is it worth it? Of course it's worth it!"  How do I know?  Because I was worth dying for to Him.

This is War!

My blog has been mostly quiet in the last month, but my life has certainly not been.  A chapter in my life is coming to a close and I'm seeking the Lord's direction for what He would have me do next.  I have ideas, but nothing is clear or has come together yet.  But I trust that God is leading and is preparing something.

At the beginning of the year, I sensed God leading me to do something.  Now I wonder if it is the will of God.  I made the difficult decision to close a season of my life.  I would go to bed confident I had made the right choice and wake up the next morning saying "This is ludicrous."  I went from being confident to confused, not knowing the difference between truth or lies.  I had sought counsel from people I trusted, and am confident in their wisdom, yet I wrestle within me.

As I seek God's will for the next season of life, it's harder to trust His leading today than it was a month ago.  Weeks of inspiration, of sensing God's leading have turned largely silent.  Things are dimmer.  Fears are creeping in.  I look at what I aspire to spend my time doing, then consider my financial needs, and wonder if I should just settle for "normal" drudgery again.  I am hampered with temptations.  There has been conviction of sin, and with it discouragement.  I sit down writing down thoughts about how to serve others and how to meet needs in the next season of life, then my ideas run out and I get stuck.  I fear that if I pursue this, people will misunderstand me.  I'm afraid they'll look at areas of my life and call me a hypocrite.

I understand what's going on though.  I know what's going on, even though I can't see what's ahead of me, even though at times I can't discern truth.  This is war!  That I know.  There is a battle going on in the spiritual realm for my life.  Whatever plans God has for the next season of my life, the kingdom of darkness is opposing it.  Satan does not want me to yield to God's purpose.  He does not want to see me bring vision into peoples' lives, to see captives set free by the truth of God's Word, to see broken lives heal, forgive, love, and be filled with joy. So he will meddle in my life.  He will bring fear, temptation, and cause me to beat myself up over little things.  When God convicts me of sin, he will play the role of an accuser, telling me I'm not fit for God's use.

 So what does this mean for me?  It means I have to fight.  It means I have to look to Jesus, to the Word of God.  It means I have to wrestle with God in prayer and command the enemy to leave me.  It means I constantly have to pray that God would speak truth to me and that I will be able to discern it.  I fight against a kingdom I cannot see, because I'm in the midst of a war.

As Christians, I don't think we fight enough.  I don't think we're mindful enough of what goes on in the spiritual realm.  Part of it is because we can't see it.  Part of it is because this war is fought with intangible weapons.  Our weapons are not carnal, but mighty through God and able to pull down strongholds (2 Cor. 10:4).  Our greatest weapon is prayer and some of us are just too lazy to storm the throne room of God with our prayers.  Also, we seem to forget, that in the name of Jesus, even demons have to obey us.  We have to understand that and believe it.

God has not left us powerless in this battle but we have to use the tools He has given us to fight.

What kind of battle do you find yourself in today?  Pick up your sword and fight!

Reflecting Him Part 2

This post is a continuation of Reflecting Him Part 1.  Just so you know, my weeks aren't always that hard, and I did highlight the hard parts.  I did get some feedback that indicated surprise.

What I began learning at the end of that hard week, and am still in the process of learning is to intercede for people even in the midst of my trials.  To intercede means to plead on another's behalf or to act as a mediator in a dispute.  The word is often used a term for praying for other people.  And although I'm learning the importance of that, I'm also learning to go beyond praying for them.  I'm learning the importance of reaching out to them personally.

You see, I'm not the only one with problems.  I'm not the only who is going through or has gone through pain.  I'm not the only one who hurts, who gets depressed, who faces family challenges, work challenges, who lacks clarity, who struggles spiritually, who gets sick, etc.  I am surrounded by hurting, broken people who can't walk their road alone.  I'm surrounded by people who need a friend to come alongside, to listen, to share their pain.  Even if I don't always know how to help them, sometimes they just need to know somebody else cares, that they're not forgotten.

Think about this.  It is possible that for some reason, you are the only one who sees another's pain.  Perhaps other people notice, but choose to ignore it.  Or perhaps you're the only one a person has had the confidence and trust to share their struggles with.  Perhaps you've just experienced something that allows you to understand what that person is going through.  Don't assume someone else will talk to a hurting person.  This really hit me personally last week when somebody said "You're the only person who asks me."

Sometimes it's hard to make the effort.  It's hard to reach out to others and to listen when I'm bogged down in my own problems.  I'm working through a massive load in my life right now, but there are a few individuals and families that I have had to be intentional about staying connected with.  I've had to be intentional about showing them that I care about them too, and that I'm not just dumping my problems on them, which I can do very easily.

There are days where I feel like I have a right to my "down time".  Some people like to just "veg" and recharge.  Jesus needed down time too.  He needed time away from His work and peoples' demands, but most often, He wasn't just sitting by Himself in a mountain somewhere.  He was spending time with the Father and recharging by His strength.  No, I don't know what He always prayed about, but I think He probably spent a good deal of time interceding for others.  And after that, He went and served them again.

We all get worn out.  We all have hard days and seasons where we just don't know how to keep going.  Tenth Avenue North has a song called "Worn" which has really come to mean a lot to me personally the last couple months.  It echoes how I have felt many days, and I'm sure I'm not the only one.  I encourage you to listen to it, and gather strength, knowing there's hope and this is not the end.  Then look around for someone who needs your prayers and encouragement.

Reflecting Him Part 1

This post was written after a tiring week, but I don't know when it will go onto my blog.  As for some background, at New Year's, my primary vision for 2013 was that in good times, and in hard times, God's grace and strength would be reflected in my life.  This post is a look at my week and what I learned through it. (I have been non-specific about some things to keep some aspects of my life/work more private.)

*  *  *  *  *

I go to bed earlier to catch up on sleep I missed the night before.  Monday went alright, but I know I have stresses and long days ahead of me yet.  I need the rest and energy, and I pray for a good night.  I fall asleep quickly, or at least I think so.  The next thing I remember is various thoughts going through my mind.  I'm in a half-awake and dreaming at the same time.  I begin to shake underneath my blankets.  No, I can't get sick now.  I have an important meeting today.  I wonder if I will have to call in.  I've never had to do that before.

Wondering how much time I have before I have to get up, I turn over to look at the alarm clock.  It's only 11:22.  I still have over six hours.  I push the covers back and head down to the bathroom.  There I continue to shake violently.  This happens all too often to me.  I try to relax my shaking body, then go to the kitchen where I measure a spoon of antacid into a glass of water.  I drink the bubbling mixture, hoping it will work quickly and I will be able to sleep again.

Shortly hereafter, I make my way back to bed, only to come back down to the bathroom several times.  I try to vomit, but am not successful.  After being up for about two hours, I drift off to sleep.  In the morning, I pull myself out of bed, force some breakfast down, take a Gravol and go to work.

*  *  *  *  *

I have been praying about this meeting for weeks.  I have feared it.  I stare out the window watching scenery and traffic go by and pray again.  I know we'll need it.  Afterward, I walk out confused.  It went totally different than expected.  Better than expected.  I want to thank God, but I'm so confused, I only wonder when the next attack will come.

Why do I do this? Why is it that when things go better than expected, I either think I was worried for no reason, or that something bad is yet bound to happen?  I pray for weeks about something, and then when it goes well, I don't even give credit to God.  Why do I strip Him of the praise He deserves?

*  *  *  *  *

I come home late.  It has now been 14 hours since I left that morning.  Another fearful meeting has gone better than expected.  I'm very tired and hungry.  Nothing is prepared for me.  I pull out a carton of almond milk and Cheerios.  This is as much supper as I can handle half an hour before bed.  Must try to get 8 hours of sleep tonight, because I have the same kind of day ahead of me tomorrow, although likely not quite as late.

*  *  *  *  *

I drive myself to another meeting.  It's an hour to my destination.  I can follow Christian radio stations for the whole drive, but I'm looking forward to getting past the next city where the traffic thins out.  These are moments I'm thankful for.  After the meeting, I make a similar drive home, although slower than usual with the snow in some areas.  I arrive home earlier than last night.  I had noticed pork chops thawing on the kitchen counter that morning and looking forward to something close to a real supper.  There are, however, no pork chops left.  I cut a bagel in half, push down the toaster, and pull a jar of Cheez Whiz out of the fridge. I don't even like this stuff, but I crave it occasionally and don't want butter again.  How does that work?

*  *  *  *  *

So there's snippets of a few of my days.  What did I learn from all this?  Although I was busy, tired, and had little time to think or focus on anything other than work, I can never shut my mind off completely. Some of the things I have described are common for me.  Others perhaps not so much.  What I saw though is that when I desire to reflect God's strength, my circumstances don't always change.  God doesn't always sugar-coat things for me or smooth out the road.  Life is still hard.  I still get tired.  I still feel sick during nights I really need sleep.  I still have to get up and go to work when I really don't want to.  So how do I reflect God's grace in all of this?

Response.  That's what it comes down to.  I can whine and complain, or I can invite God into my circumstances.  The difference is in how I respond.  And to be honest, my response is generally to complain and get irritable with people around me, to mope in my self-pity.  Perhaps that's largely what I've been doing in this post.  

When I look back on this week, I can't identify a moment where God's strength was incredibly evident.  But I do recognize where I had peace that I normally would not have.  I have recognized meetings that went better than they should have.  And yet, my first instinct wasn't to praise God and give Him credit for these things, although I had prayed significantly about them.  I know I'm not the only one to do this but why do we do that?  Why do we dismiss things and say that maybe we were just overreacting or getting worried for nothing when things go better?  Why do we try to credit our own strength when we can go to work when we don't want to, when we can speak with confidence and peace, when just the thought of something half an hour earlier terrified us?  It's something I don't entirely understand.

This I do understand.  We reflect God's grace and strength in how we respond to circumstances.  We reflect His grace when we give Him the credit that's rightfully His.  We also reflect Him when we intercede for others in our own hard times.  

But that's too much for this post, and I will continue my story later.

To be continued....

He Likes Me!

What does God like about you?  This is a question that came up when studying Alien Love by Kevin Abell with a group of believers.  At first, the only thing I could come up with was God likes me.  To be honest, I didn't like the question at first.  It sounded kind of conceited.  Who am I to say what God likes about me?  I don't know what He thinks.  I was afraid to put words into the mouth of God.  Also, asking what God liked about us sounded kind of cheap, like we were downplaying His love for us.  However, as I began to think about it, I became very thankful for this question.

At first "like" sounded like a cheap word when we consider God's love for us.  But it isn't.  God isn't immature like we sometimes are.  He doesn't say "I love Margaret, but that doesn't mean I have to like her."  Imagine if God was like that, if He only loved us, but didn't like us.  Every time I feel compelled to say "I love that person, but that doesn't mean I have to like them", it's always because I feel like I have to love them, that I'm obligated to.  I have to love them because God commands it, not because I want to.  I'm glad God isn't like that.  He loves us because He wants to, not because He has to. 

It's much easier to think about what God doesn't like about me.  After all, there are a lot of things about me that are not desirable.  It's almost as if I'm so used to focusing on sin in my life, my faults, things I need to change, that I forget about the good.  As I mentioned, I was afraid of putting words into the mouth of God.  I think it's harder to say what He likes about me specifically, because His Word doesn't tell me.  I can go to His Word and see what sin is in my life that doesn't please Him.  I can go to His Word and see that He loves me and created me for His pleasure.  I can go to His Word and see what my position is in Christ.  I can say I'm a saint, and that I'm His bride, because the Bible says I am.  The Bible never tells me what God specifically likes about me, Margaret.

However, we as Christians are quick to point out things in each others' lives, and perhaps even in our own lives, that don't please God, even when the Bible doesn't specifically say so.  I can say with confidence that it would not please God if I spent all my free time watching dirty movies and playing video games.  The Bible never specifically says I shouldn't do that.  But the Bible does say we are supposed to redeem the time and that we are to put no vile thing before our eyes.  The Bible gives us general guidelines and we come up with our own specifics.  Sometimes this can be dangerous and other times it can be beneficial.

If we can do that with things God isn't pleased with, then why shouldn't we be able to do the same thing with things that God is pleased with, on the condition that we are using His Word as a guide and not coming up with ridiculous ideas and claim God is pleased with them?  After all, His Word does give us indications of many things that do please Him, even if it doesn't tell us anything about our lives specifically.

So what does God like about me?  I started by looking in the mirror.  God likes the way my eyes squint when I smile or laugh.  (He likes it when I smile or laugh.)  It may sound silly to some, but my eyes are a facial feature a lot of people notice about me.  And since God delights in the way He made me, I think it's safe to say He likes that about me.  God likes the way I share my heart with Him, no matter how dark, fearful, painful or sinful.  No, He doesn't like everything I think and feel, but He does like that I don't hide those things from Him, but trust Him and lay them bare before Him.  He knows anyway, but He still likes when I talk to Him about it.  God also likes how I write to share with others what I'm learning and what He's doing in my life. 

I also think that perhaps God likes some of the same things about us that the people who love us like about us.  When I ask people for things that characterize me, I get various answers, but there are some things people mention that I believe God likes about me.  How I take risks, do things to make a difference even when I may not be guaranteed results, how I'm not afraid to share what I believe, even when others might not like what I have to say.  I think those are things that God likes about me as well.

This has been a good question for me to think about, and I encourage you to think about it as well.  You can drop a comment to share your thoughts. 

What does God like about you?

Over-Aged Rebelutionary

A few years ago, the Rebelution had a huge influence on my life and still does.  Started by teens, Alex and Brett Harris, it's a movement that encourages teens to do hard things and live above the expectations of our culture.  I made friends and connected with people I otherwise may never have met.

I read the book Do Hard Things several times, and although I loved the principles, I felt I had a difficult time applying them.  Yes, I was doing the small hard things, I was living in a way and making decisions most teens didn't, but it didn't feel that significant.  I wasn't doing any big, hard things, the kinds of things that impact the people around me or cause leaps and bounds of growth in my life.

Late last year, I turned 20.  I wasn't a "teenager" anymore and I felt like I had kind of missed out on the Rebelution in my own life.  But early this year, some significant changes happened in my life that threw me into hard things I didn't feel prepared for.  I felt like I was only starting to do hard things once my teen years were over.

This past summer, I decided to move further out of my comfort zone and take action.  I began planning a fundraiser for International Justice Mission Canada.  (I think it was also through the Rebelution that I initially learned about Zach Hunter and IJM.)  Not just a small fundraiser, but one that involves multiple local churches to form a community event that will be taking place later this fall.  I have never planned a fundraiser before, let alone such a large event like this involving so many people, nor do I know anyone who has.  After speaking to IJM, I found out they have never had anyone plan an event like this either.  I'm really doing something in a way nobody has done it before, I don't know how the results will turn out, but I'm excited that I'm taking action, doing hard things, and hopefully inspiring others to do the same.

I feel like an over-aged Rebelutionary.  At times I wished I had done these sort of hard things in my teens.  But in the past month or so, I have come to view it differently.  I have seen the things in my teen years that prepared me for this, like my previous job, or my decision to leave the public school system when it didn't make any sense.  I have come to see character traits in my life that often come out negatively, but can be channeled in this fundraising project in a positive way to do good.  The skills I have developed, the experience I've had, and even the character qualities that often cause tension in my relationships are assets and qualities that greatly aid me in the work I'm doing.

What I'm ultimately getting at is this: Don't get discouraged that you didn't do more in the past.  Don't just regret what you didn't do.  Rather do something now and look to new opportunities for growth.  I look back at my teen years now, and yes, I regret some things.  But I also see how much they prepared me for the work I am doing now.  I look at how much I have grown in the last eight months after my teen years.  I have faced challenges, been thrown out of my comfort zone, but it has caused me to grow and do things I otherwise wouldn't have thought possible and wouldn't have been possible without that season of preparation.

I don't want to go through life asking why I didn't do more last year.  But I do want to go through life and look back and say I did more, I lived more fully, I did harder things, I grew more this year than last year.  The Rebelution isn't just for teens.  It's for everyone, especially for the Christian and should be applied and lived out throughout our whole life.  It's great if the foundation can be laid in our youth, but growth will happen in later years as well.

My desire is that in the coming years, I will continue to use my single years to grow and do harder things, that it will prepare me for the marriage and family I will one day have.  I also pray that I will continue to look back, not with regret, but with joy and satisfaction, knowing that God has led me, that I took up opportunities, that I did harder things, that I loved more, served more, and have grown stronger in faith and in character with each year.

Is your desire the same?

It's Just a Car

Early on this year, it became evident that I would need to purchase a new car soon.  Up until last week, I drove a 2002 Mazda Protege5 I had purchased two years ago.  It was the first car I owned.  When I bought it, it had it's defects.  It had very high mileage, it was starting to rust, had some dents, and so forth.  But the interior was mostly in excellent condition and clean, which was very important to me.  It was small, yet relatively spacious, fairly fuel efficient and it nicely suited my needs.

Unfortunately, cars don't stay in the same condition in which you buy them.  The body continued to rust and people commented on it frequently.  I mean, it stood out.  Silver with burnt orange highlights.  But I didn't see it while I was driving it, and I can say it rarely bothered me that much.  In the two years I had it, I did have to do two repairs aside from tire changes and regular services.  After the last repair, I tried searching after a couple mechanics recommended finding something new.  I really only repaired it to buy time, since I didn't want to have to buy a car under pressure.

I had an ideal car in mind that I really wanted.  After about a week, it became evident that financing wasn't an option for several reasons and I would simply have to wait, work, save, and pray.  At the same time, God was convicting me in an area of my life which I felt to be very ill timed.  But I obeyed His Word, in hopes that His promise would be fulfilled in my life.  I have heard some great stories of God provision when people needed cars, and thought maybe God would do the same.  It didn't happen.  I simply had to be patient and use wisely what He was entrusting to me.

By this summer, my Mazda was in rough shape.  I got a cracked windshield, scratched the one side up, the body continued to rot, and now at 300k, it had an oil leak that was really leaving it's mark.  Knowing it wasn't worth it, I decided not to fix this car, so I started hunting again.  My hunt only lasted about a week.  I browsed Kijiji, explored my options, knowing I wasn't going to get my ideal car, but searching for good alternatives.  I have prejudices against certain vehicles, some perhaps without solid reason, so this made it a little more difficult, especially within my budget.

I found something that interested me, but I didn't think I could afford it.  Well, perhaps.  I tried hard to figure out how it could work, and decided that if I compromised my financial principles, you know, just a little, it could work.  After a few warnings, I decided against it, and I'm confident I made the right choice there.

I found something else right away.  It was a black 2005 Nissan Altima 2.5S.  It drove nice and looked good for the most part.  It had some interior defects that I was disappointed about though, and some body scratches. After a couple hours of browsing dealers and viewing what was available within my budget, my mind kept coming back to that car.  I waited two days, in which time I considered a lot of the pros and cons, and the cons started scaring me.  But I felt that I would get a quality car, so in the end, it would be okay.  The next week, I went to the dealer, and looking at it again, there was no doubt in my mind, I signed the papers and made the deposit. 

Now, I'm leaving out a lot of details here for the sake of time, length and privacy.  But things didn't transpire exactly as I had hoped.  The car wasn't ready when expected and not everything was done in it that I was told was going to be done.  When I picked it up, there was a glaring defect on the vehicle that I didn't see there before, and am pretty convinced was not there when I drove it the week earlier, although I can't be entirely sure.  The person who had looked at the vehicle with me couldn't remember if it had been there before, but it was pretty hard not to notice.  I was a little disappointed.  Driving home, it drove nice.  Quiet.  Much quieter than my old one, almost too quiet.  And I had to be really careful not to drive faster than I normally did.  When I got home, I found some questionable content hidden in the glove compartment, and decided to simply dispose of the evidence.  It did make me wonder though.  But a lot of the interior dirt and grime wiped out, so despite my disappointments on Day 1, there were things to be thankful for.

Day 2 was my first day being seen by friends in this car.  It felt kind of nice.  But I also couldn't show it off as proudly as I would have liked.  I thought it would feel better but it had some glaring defects I couldn't get past.  There had been some marks inside the car that had puzzled me and I did have ideas, but since there was no noticeable odour, I ignored the thoughts.  Then my friend mentioned cigarette burns.  He hit the nail right on the head.  I never asked the dealer if it had been smoked in and I couldn't smell anything, but now putting that and prior evidence I found together made me wonder even more.  What kind of car did I buy?  That evening, the engine light came on.  How convenient.

Day 3, I found out the car had a second paint job.  An experienced painter could immediately tell.  The paint had looked different to me, but it hadn't crossed my mind before.  It made me wonder why.  By the end of the day, I was totally depressed.  I couldn't even look at my new car and be happy.  It just left a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was completely deflated and felt like I would regret this decision forever.  I felt like I had thrown away everything I had worked for into a car that I now felt cheated by.

And then it hit me.  Materialism.  This was at the root of my depression.  I had bought into the world's way of thinking long before I had bought this car.  I wanted a car for more than for the sake of getting around, although that was very necessary.  I viewed a car as a status symbol, just like the rest of the world.  So when I bought a new car, I wanted it to be good.  Now, I'm not talking very high end here.  My ideal was rather very low in comparison to the luxury available.  I didn't even want a brand new car.  But I wanted something that was at least unique in my social circle.  I wanted something none of my friends had.  I wanted at least a few people to impress, even if just a little.

So I couldn't get my ideal, but I still wanted the best I could get for the money I had.  When I found the Altima, I felt kind of like I had done that.  But this car has not given me the joy I thought it would.  It made me a lot more depressed in three days than my rusty Mazda ever did.  That's because material things ultimately can't satisfy us. They were never intended to.

You can't buy a perfect used car.  I learned that the hard way.  Cars are not built to last and they will not stay in mint condition forever.  So why do I put so much value into it?  Why am I so depressed when I found out after I bought it that it didn't meet my expectations, when it had more defects than I initially saw?  I mean, I got it and found out it didn't even have keyless entry!  How annoying isn't that?

Face it.  A car can't give you joy.  A car does not make you a better person, a better Christian, or a better witness.  It doesn't actually make you cooler, or hotter, or rank you above others in your social circle.  They are not a measuring stick of your worth.  They don't stay perfect and you will never find a used car that is perfect.  Even if you buy a brand new car, or a brand new house, it won't stay in that condition for long.  It's not meant to, and it's not meant to satisfy you.

In the end, it's just a car.  It's purpose it to get you safely, efficiently, and preferably in moderate comfort from Point A to Point B and back again without problems.  No, it's likely not your best interest to buy a car with 400k, body rotting out, that will have a host of mechanical problems, and if you're like me, been the home of ten different pets.  It's definitely wise to invest in a quality vehicle that will effectively serve your needs and hopefully cater to at least some of your preferences.  I also sincerely hope you are successful in finding such vehicles than I have been.  But it isn't the most important thing in life.

A car won't make me happy.  Ultimately, joy and fulfillment is found in Christ.  I may end up regretting the decision I made, but I have my doubts that it will seriously affect my relationship with Christ.  Not unless I allow it to take an unhealthy hold on my life.  My friends likely won't love me more or less.  Neither will God.  It may cost me more in some areas.  I was prepared for that when I bought it.  But in the end, it is just a car.  I think I can live with it.

Difficult Blessings

About two weeks ago, I was going through a difficult experience, as I detailed in my last post.  In that time, I was reminding myself of the cross, what Jesus had done for me, and my great need for God.  It was hard.  And although it was hard, I was thankful for the experience in that I was learning my need for God in that time.

Well, that difficult experience got better.  My problems that were causing me grief got worked out.  I was more than happy to thank God for His grace and move forward.  I had, however, not learned my great need for God in the way I thought I had.  While I had seen it in one area of my life, I had forgotten it in another.  In the following days, I found myself wandering in my mind and seeking my own amusement.  It was fun and I was happy.  I did notice though that I didn't feel the need to spend the time in prayer as I had in recent days.  I shrugged off the thoughts that I allowed to linger and became increasingly relaxed toward sin.  Pushed it aside, thinking it really wasn't a big deal.  Looking back, I was rather alarmed at what passed through me at that time.

Four days.  Four days was all it took for this to transpire.  Four days from knowing my need for God in one area and ignoring it another and wanting to go my own way.  Looking back though, I know it didn't in actuality happen in just four days.  Compromise and sin rarely happen overnight.  It starts with tiny seeds that go unchecked.  It starts with that thought I know I should shut out but allow to linger a little longer.  It's a slow, yet very quick process when I let my guard against sin down a little, just a little bit more each time. 

And then I'm left wondering what happened as I find yourself sitting in filth once again, the mess I thought was a part of the past.  I wonder why I feel distant from God when only a few days earlier I so keenly felt the nearness of His presence. 

But in the time I was going through this, I felt another strange feeling come over me.  I wanted to utter a strange prayer.  I wanted to welcome difficulty into my life, because I knew it was often what kept me close to God.  It was the exact opposite of how I used to respond, when I turned away from God in hard times.  I know now that when life is breezy and I can go about amusing myself, I wander from Him.  I wander from purity and holiness.  I wander from the principles I believe in and begin to wonder if I should cast them aside.  I wander to ugly places and begin to become comfortable there again.  I never thought I would wish for life to become harder.

I have to come to God in repentance again, seeking Christ's power over sin.  I have to ask Him again to instill within me His desire for holiness.  I have to keep my focus on Him that I may continue on the narrow way.  I have to let the hard times keep me close to Him and not forget that when circumstances gets easier.

The difficult times we often go through can actually be blessings.  They don't feel that way at the time, but they are.  It's then that we grow and experience the nearness of God, when we know we need His strength for every step.  We forget that otherwise.  So next time you're going through a difficult time where you have to fall before the throne of grace at least ten times a day, be thankful that it's keeping you close to Him.  And remember to stay close to Him when He lifts you up to higher ground.

(By the way, before this post was even published, I had a difficult day where three specific events caused me much frustration.  I was not thrilled and it was hard to be thankful.  But I had to remind myself that it was what I had wished for, bring my frustration before God, try to learn from my mistakes and move on.  Be careful what you pray for.)

Remembering Jesus

It's Good Friday and I had to make a real effort yesterday to prepare myself for today.  It was a hard week.  A week where I was again left wondering why I am where I am, why God has given me the work He has.  Why me, and not someone who is more qualified, someone who doesn't make all the mistakes I do.  Days when I wonder if I'm doing more harm than good.  Mornings I wish I could crawl back into bed and hide from the world instead of face a new set of problems.  When I turn to listening to a certain artist because it helps me deal with the frustration inside.

Yesterday my boss had to tell me to go home and think about what Jesus had done for us.  There's more important things than the problems we face.  Jesus died and rose again for us!  Stop worrying and go think about that.  I needed that.  I went home, trying to comfort myself with that.  Thanking God that one day in heaven, we won't face the problems and stresses we do today.  Thanking God for the friends who love me and stand with me.  For the friends who show me another reason for me being where I am.  Spending time with God in prayer, resting in Him, knowing that He is in control.  Letting Him give peace in the midst of the storm and ache.  No, my problems aren't fixed, but I know I can't do it without Him.  I know He cares.  I know I need to stand strong for the other people around me.

About two years ago, I wrote a post called Clinging to Christ.  According to my Blogger stats, this has been the second most viewed post I have ever written, with 300 views.  This post was also a talk I gave around the same time to a youth gathering a friend hosted and asked me to speak at.  I had just been given the topic "Remembering Jesus."  At the time, I had come out of an extremely difficult time in my life. Actually, all of 2010 was very hard.  But I stood up in front of about 100 young people, many of whom I had never met, and shared that truths that had carried me through my pain.  In my talk, I also shared God's promises in Revelation, that one day He will wipe away all our tears, and there will be no more sorrow and pain.  Although what I'm experiencing now is very different from what I did two years ago, I can still hold onto this.

Right now, I have four days where I don't have to worry, where I can leave the stress behind for a bit.  Today I remember that there are more important things.  Jesus died and took my sin upon Himself so that I could be free. He cares and I can rest in Him.  He will give me the strength for each new day.  I can cling to that.  So can you.  Maybe like me, things are getting harder for you when you thought they would be getting easier.  Whatever you're facing, He can carry you through.  Look to the cross.  Stop and celebrate the Son of God, His death that covered your sin, and His resurrection that defeated death.  Find your rest in Him.

Giving God Your Dreams

Your dreams are safest in God's hands.  Do you believe that?

I've wrestled through the issue of dreams a lot the past month.  Somehow mine never seem to come true while everyone else's do.  Since when was that fair?

As I've evaluated my life, I noticed again how hard it is for me to surrender my dreams to God and then leave them in His hands.  I really want something, but when I resign myself to the fact that it won't happen, I let my dream fall to the ground, watch it get trampled and die.  Or so I think.

I often think I have let go of dreams, gotten over my disappointments and moved on with my life.  That is, until those dreams are realized in someone else's life.  Then those desires return and I become jealous and sometimes depressed or angry.  There's a child inside of me that stomps and screams "But those were MY dreams!"  (That child doesn't like to share either.)

In the past six months, I have seen or am seeing several of my dreams realized by other people, and many of them are younger than me.  It makes me wonder why.  Why them and not me?  They were all good dreams and I have prayed over every one of them.  So far to each of these, God has said "No" or "Not yet" to me and "Yes" to them.  At times I can't understand why.

I heard someone say once that we should give our dreams to God and let Him give them back to us.  In a sense, our dreams are safest in God's hands.  That's a hard thing to do.  It's hard giving your dreams to God, not knowing when or if you'll ever see them again, not knowing if they'll come true.  But I do believe that's what God wants us to do.  He knows the deepest desires of our hearts better than anyone else.  I've had to give dreams and plans to God not knowing if or how He will give them back to me.  Although I can't always see it, I do have to trust that His plans for my life are best.

In writing this, God brought me to Leslie Ludy's song "Far Beyond".  Although this song is written in the context of romantic dreams, I believe her words can be applied to all of our dreams.  Here's a portion of her lyrics, the rest of which can be seen under the Youtube video I linked to.

Far beyond my deepest heart's desire
Far beyond what I could ever dream
Far beyond my fairy tale imaginations
Is Your perfect plan for me
There's no limit to romance in all its beauty
When the author of love shapes my destiny
Far beyond the most that I could long for
I will find the dreams You have dreamed for me.

I could search forever
I could look for true love everywhere
If all my dreams were answered
They still could not compare
To the beauty of Your ways
And all Your plans for my life
Cause You've been scripting out a story for me
Before the very foundations of time.

Do you believe that? Are you willing to trust that God's dreams for you are the best?  I'll be the first to admit it's hard to do.  They may not seem to be what we're hoping for at the time, but He's painting on a far greater canvas than we can see, and if we trust Him, He promises the end result will be beautiful.

Make it Go Away!

Some readers might think that in light of my last post, this one is out of place.  I was just writing about overcoming sin and now I'm diving into temptation.  Huh?  But I believe it's needful that the two go hand in hand.

Do you think there will ever be a time in your life as a Christian that you will not face temptation?

I said the same thing you probably did.  "I wish!"  Wouldn't life and godliness be so much easier?  (By the way, the Bible says we already have everything we need for that.)  But when I look at scripture, I know that it will never happen and Jesus even said that temptation is needful.  I also see that Jesus faced all the same temptations we do, so why should we be exempt?

When people talk about Jesus being tempted, probably the most referenced passage is Luke 4:1-13.  But it seems sometimes that when I (or others) read this passage, a few details tend to get overlooked.  Here Jesus spent forty days fasting and praying in the wilderness and was tempted by the devil.  Verse 13 says "And when the devil had ended every temptation, he departed from him until an opportune time."  The KJV says "he departed from him for a season."

I see a few important things here.  First of all, it seems that there was a lot more temptation going on during this event than was actually recorded.  And my guess is, if Satan is going to try to get the Son of God to sin, the one man who is out to redeem the world from Satan's evil grip and the curse of sin, he's not going to give up after three attempts.  There was possibly a more intense battle going on here than we read about, and it didn't end here.  Which leads to my second point.  Satan only left Jesus until he had a better opportunity.  We really don't know how much temptation Jesus actually faced in His lifetime, but He too had to face it on an ongoing basis.  And lastly, Jesus went into the wilderness after His baptism being filled with Holy Spirit, and in verse 14 it says that He returned to Galilee in the power of the Spirit.  He went through it all in the power of the Spirit.

You see, sometimes we want to whine and plead with God to just make all this temptation go away and thus end our struggle with sin.  But the fact is, as long as we're living in the flesh and this fallen world, it's just going to happen.  We can't make it go away.  But Galatians 5:16 clearly tells us that if we walk in the Spirit, we will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh.  Through the Spirit's power, we can stand against temptation.

One of the things I find temptation does is keep me humble and I dare say that's a good thing.  I can easily become puffed up thinking I'm more righteous than the next person.  But when I come face to face with hard temptation, I am reminded of my great need for God's grace and that I have to rely on His power to overcome sin.  It reminds me that He is the one who makes me worthy of being His child, because in this flesh, I have no worth of my own.

Yes, temptation will come, but it doesn't mean defeat.  If we yield ourselves to the Spirit of God, we can be overcomers.

You Want Transparency?

In response to my post yesterday, I was told that transparency trumps significance.  Okay, I can believe that....but only sometimes.  For me, transparency begs the following question: Do we as Christians really want people to be transparent with us?  And how do we respond when they are?

I'm not always transparent with people. (That's an honest, transparent statement.)  I have several reasons for that.  The lighter ones include that I don't think people really want me to be, that they don't really want to hear what's going on in my life, or they don't care.  Other times, I just don't want to talk about it.  Deeper down, I'm not transparent because I'm afraid of being judged, I'm afraid of what people think, I'm afraid of rejection.  Sometimes, I even fail to be transparent with those closest to me, not for fear that they won't love me, but for fear of hurting or disappointing them.

To be honest, I don't always respond well when people are transparent with me.  Some Christians have no problem being open about where they're at, and it's not always in a pretty place.  I'm not sure how to deal with people when they have an ongoing struggle with the same thing and can't get over it. Sometimes, I have damaged relationships, because I couldn't accept a friend's transparency and hurt them instead.  In short, I don't always want to see transparency in others.  Sometimes, I'd much rather believe the mask they put on to hide what I'd rather not see.

When people are transparent with us, how do we respond?  Rather, how should we respond? What do we say when they confess the gross, ugly sin they've been hiding for years?  For starters, if we expect transparency, we have to put on love and cut the judgement.  That doesn't mean we have to be okay with everything.  Love is not okay with sin, but it doesn't join the ranks of the haters either.  Author Kevin Abell has excellent insight on what love really looks like and I hope to share that with you in the future.

For me, I have been able to be transparent with a few people about sin in my life and receive love. No, they didn't tell me I was okay.  Quite the opposite.  But I never felt judged by them.  They asked me straight questions that demanded honest answers.  And that's what I needed at the time.  I needed accountability, as unpleasant as it sometimes was.  Those were the real friends.

You might be among the number who can't stand fakers and people acting like they have it altogether when their life is really a mess.  Or maybe you've been there.  I have.  But before you ask people for transparency, ask yourself whether or not you want it.  And ask yourself how you will respond.  Chances are, the people in your life don't want to be transparent for the same reasons you don't.

What is Normal Anyway?

"I can't wait for my life to be normal again."  I say that a lot.  Maybe you have too.  For me, that statement is often followed up by "What is normal anyway?"  I have heard others ask the same question.  I have finally come up with an answer to that question.

When we say we want our lives to be "normal" again, we have, whether consciously or unconsciously, created an ideal in our minds about what our life should be like that we're not experiencing at the time.  Oh, and it's usually selfish.  When I say I can't wait for life to be normal again, what I'm actually saying is "I can't wait until I can live for myself again."

I'm recognizing in that time that I'm not in control of my life, and I want to be.  I usually like my life to be predictable, consistent and I don't respond well to curve balls. I want to be able to run my plans, my way, be able to make and stick to my schedule without anybody intruding, and no outside inconveniences.  It means a "normal" day at work that doesn't include rude or demanding customers, damaged products in my shipments to report, annoying phone calls or the endless chore of dusting.  It means I get to have an uninterrupted lunch when I want, I get to leave on time, and go home to a fresh hot supper.

When I'm at home, it means I get to carry out my day as I planned, without any family interruptions, responsibilities or demands outside of what I have previously taken into account.  It means there's not a whole lot of extra activities or events I have to attend that fill up my free time.  That's a brief description.  Basically, "normal" is a life centred around me.  At the root, it's completely selfish.

Normal is nice, but it's not how we are called to live.  Although normal can get boring too.  But in times when I long for normal, I have to remind myself that my life and my time are not my own.  I'm not in control of my life; God is.  I need to give my days to him and be open to whatever else He has for me.  I need to recognize that there may be other needs I'm called to meet that are more important than my own needs or wants.  So do you. We aren't called to settle for the normal.

This leads me to something else I have been thinking about.  When people get to know me, something that many notice is that I think.  I think in a way and about issues that most teenagers don't.  Most people mistake me for being much older than I really am.  Some assure me it's not a bad thing, but it still annoys me.  I guess you could say I'm not "normal" when compared to today's youth culture.  But I think a better word would be "common."  What we see among the youth in our day is common, but I don't think it should ever be normal.  When I see what defines most of "normal" North American teens, I know I never want to be named among them.

As Christians, we aren't called to follow the norm.  We aren't called to live "normal lives" characterized by selfishness, shallow thinking or the accepted lifestyle that defines today's youth.  God has called each and every one of us to something greater, which we should desire to follow after.  He desires for each of us to have a vision that goes beyond the expectations of this world.  He desires for us to give our days and our plans to Him, because His plans for our lives are greater than our own and ultimately a lot more satisfying.

Normal can be nice, but there's more than enough to go around.  Are you willing to let go of it and live an abnormal life, to go above the expectations of this world, to give your plans even for today to God and see what might happen?  It's not always easy but I can guarantee you that it will surprise some people and will bring much more glory to God.