I've been searching my brain all week for something to write about, but I feel like I'm coming up empty. It's not necessarily that I don't have ideas, but they all seem incomplete, it's not the right time, or I'm not sure how to make them work. I've been mulling over my year end post, like I have down for the past few years, but I have to wait a few weeks to share it. With other ideas, I just don't know how to bring across what I'm want.
If this blog is ever a disappointment to you, I'm sorry. I really am. But I don't want to put out pointless content for the sake of there being something new here for you. There's enough writers with nothing to say and I don't want to add to the number. I truly want to offer insight here that would uplift and inspire people, and if I'm not doing that, I don't want to be writing.
I started on a new journey of sorts a couple months ago. Before this point, I often felt like I didn't have anything to offer, like I had nothing to give, like I didn't make a difference. It took me walking through a process with a mentor of sorts to see that I did have a difference to make. But there was still a question pressing on my heart that I had to put before him: "How can I give what I don't have?" Yes, I recognized I had a difference to make (I do even more now), but I felt like it wasn't real in my own life. How could I inspire other people to have vision, when my life was directionless, when I wasn't even sure I had one?
He helped me get past that, and many other things and I can't begin to describe in a few words how exciting this journey has been for me. But it doesn't fix things. Yes, God has blessed me with wonderful people to help guide me in a very uncertain time in my life, but there's still a lot to work through. I honestly can't see past this year. I have most of this next month here planned out, but as soon as 2012 hits, I am almost clueless as to what I will have ahead of me. I know I want to reach people through my writing, but sometimes, I just don't know how to do it. I don't know what to share with readers.
About a week ago, I told a friend something like "God won't expect you give what you don't have. He will fill you." Today I have to remind myself of that. I have been seeking God in many things recently, and my writing is one of them. I believe He has shown me in part what He has in mind for me in this area, and it's much bigger than my own ideas. But then I feel empty. I hit a phase of writer's block, and it doesn't seem possible. I look at my life, and it seems like something that will never fly. Ever.
As I was thinking about this, I was reminded of a lesson by a former Sunday school teacher. He had an interactive way of teaching that made you remember his lessons years later. Even in my youth group, we still talk about the things we remember from years back, things like "start righteousnessing." I could provide a whole list of things I remember. I don't remember the exact topic of this lesson, but I remember the key verse he used.
Psalm 81:10 (ESV)
I am the Lord your God,
who brought you up out of the land of Egypt.
Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it.
I remember this verse because he used a picture to illustrate it, like he often did. It was a picture of a nest full of baby birds, with their beaks wide open, waiting to be filled. If we open up our mouth wide, God will fill it. If I continue to seek God, and take time to listen to His voice, He will fill me. He does not expect us to go on empty. Although this teacher no longer stands and speaks to us on Sunday mornings, his words, his message still rings loud in our lives in many ways. His impact is not forgotten.
No, I don't know what my life holds. I don't know how far my words will reach. I don't always know what my words will be. But if I ask God, He will fill me. I don't have to give what I don't have. If I don't always turn out something significant here every week, be patient with me. As the Lord leads, it will come.