I'm Alive

I feel like I owe it to my few readers to let them know I'm still here and explain my prolonged absence, especially since I may not be writing much for awhile.  I'm going through a season in my life where I'm asking a lot of questions, lacking understanding of many things, and seeking direction in many areas.  One of the things God seems to have impressed on my heart is to hold back on blogging.  He hasn't given me many new insights, and the things I have written, I have not felt the freedom to publish.  It seems best to me to hold back on sharing my thoughts with the online world until I have sorted through some things.  This isn't to say I won't ever write what's on my heart, but it will certainly be more limited.  But then again, I have felt this way several times this year already.

I will give you a peek into my life at present.  It's mostly split between work which brings about a variety of experiences, the kitchen, some more outdoor work now that summer is coming, and being active with my youth group.  This past weekend, our group had the opportunity to volunteer our time at a campground that needed a lot of work to prepare for the summer season.  I'm looking to get involved in some new things and excited about the activities in the weeks and months ahead.

As for media, I haven't been studying as I was for awhile, although I still have some 30-40 books on my shelf that have not been read.  I've been working my way through This Present Darkness by Frank E. Peretti.  It's a gripping novel of Satan's forces trying to take over a small town and a small band of Christians fighting off the powers of darkness.  It's a good take on spiritual warfare, the battle between angels and demons, and has made me think more of what's going on in and around me.

I'm also almost always listening to music and have discovered some new stuff recently.  TobyMac just released a catchy new song called "Me Without You."  But the one that had a really great effect on me a couple weeks ago was "Outta My Mind" by Anthem Lights.  That morning God impressed something on my heart that I have been praying about for about 16 months.  Although I had often heard this song, that day it articulated what I had been feeling. Watching everybody else be happy, everyone else's dreams come true, other people serving God in ways I had wanted to.  The picture hasn't really come into focus yet, but this song brings a change of perspective and changes the question.  I have to stop asking "What about me?" and start asking "What can I do?"

Even in this time, God has shown me I can rejoice.  My life doesn't make sense, and God hasn't been giving the answers yet.  But I can rejoice that He is God, He is in control, and He will lead me in the way I ought to go.  As He permits, I will continue to share pieces of my journey with you.

Difficult Blessings

About two weeks ago, I was going through a difficult experience, as I detailed in my last post.  In that time, I was reminding myself of the cross, what Jesus had done for me, and my great need for God.  It was hard.  And although it was hard, I was thankful for the experience in that I was learning my need for God in that time.

Well, that difficult experience got better.  My problems that were causing me grief got worked out.  I was more than happy to thank God for His grace and move forward.  I had, however, not learned my great need for God in the way I thought I had.  While I had seen it in one area of my life, I had forgotten it in another.  In the following days, I found myself wandering in my mind and seeking my own amusement.  It was fun and I was happy.  I did notice though that I didn't feel the need to spend the time in prayer as I had in recent days.  I shrugged off the thoughts that I allowed to linger and became increasingly relaxed toward sin.  Pushed it aside, thinking it really wasn't a big deal.  Looking back, I was rather alarmed at what passed through me at that time.

Four days.  Four days was all it took for this to transpire.  Four days from knowing my need for God in one area and ignoring it another and wanting to go my own way.  Looking back though, I know it didn't in actuality happen in just four days.  Compromise and sin rarely happen overnight.  It starts with tiny seeds that go unchecked.  It starts with that thought I know I should shut out but allow to linger a little longer.  It's a slow, yet very quick process when I let my guard against sin down a little, just a little bit more each time. 

And then I'm left wondering what happened as I find yourself sitting in filth once again, the mess I thought was a part of the past.  I wonder why I feel distant from God when only a few days earlier I so keenly felt the nearness of His presence. 

But in the time I was going through this, I felt another strange feeling come over me.  I wanted to utter a strange prayer.  I wanted to welcome difficulty into my life, because I knew it was often what kept me close to God.  It was the exact opposite of how I used to respond, when I turned away from God in hard times.  I know now that when life is breezy and I can go about amusing myself, I wander from Him.  I wander from purity and holiness.  I wander from the principles I believe in and begin to wonder if I should cast them aside.  I wander to ugly places and begin to become comfortable there again.  I never thought I would wish for life to become harder.

I have to come to God in repentance again, seeking Christ's power over sin.  I have to ask Him again to instill within me His desire for holiness.  I have to keep my focus on Him that I may continue on the narrow way.  I have to let the hard times keep me close to Him and not forget that when circumstances gets easier.

The difficult times we often go through can actually be blessings.  They don't feel that way at the time, but they are.  It's then that we grow and experience the nearness of God, when we know we need His strength for every step.  We forget that otherwise.  So next time you're going through a difficult time where you have to fall before the throne of grace at least ten times a day, be thankful that it's keeping you close to Him.  And remember to stay close to Him when He lifts you up to higher ground.

(By the way, before this post was even published, I had a difficult day where three specific events caused me much frustration.  I was not thrilled and it was hard to be thankful.  But I had to remind myself that it was what I had wished for, bring my frustration before God, try to learn from my mistakes and move on.  Be careful what you pray for.)

Remembering Jesus

It's Good Friday and I had to make a real effort yesterday to prepare myself for today.  It was a hard week.  A week where I was again left wondering why I am where I am, why God has given me the work He has.  Why me, and not someone who is more qualified, someone who doesn't make all the mistakes I do.  Days when I wonder if I'm doing more harm than good.  Mornings I wish I could crawl back into bed and hide from the world instead of face a new set of problems.  When I turn to listening to a certain artist because it helps me deal with the frustration inside.

Yesterday my boss had to tell me to go home and think about what Jesus had done for us.  There's more important things than the problems we face.  Jesus died and rose again for us!  Stop worrying and go think about that.  I needed that.  I went home, trying to comfort myself with that.  Thanking God that one day in heaven, we won't face the problems and stresses we do today.  Thanking God for the friends who love me and stand with me.  For the friends who show me another reason for me being where I am.  Spending time with God in prayer, resting in Him, knowing that He is in control.  Letting Him give peace in the midst of the storm and ache.  No, my problems aren't fixed, but I know I can't do it without Him.  I know He cares.  I know I need to stand strong for the other people around me.

About two years ago, I wrote a post called Clinging to Christ.  According to my Blogger stats, this has been the second most viewed post I have ever written, with 300 views.  This post was also a talk I gave around the same time to a youth gathering a friend hosted and asked me to speak at.  I had just been given the topic "Remembering Jesus."  At the time, I had come out of an extremely difficult time in my life. Actually, all of 2010 was very hard.  But I stood up in front of about 100 young people, many of whom I had never met, and shared that truths that had carried me through my pain.  In my talk, I also shared God's promises in Revelation, that one day He will wipe away all our tears, and there will be no more sorrow and pain.  Although what I'm experiencing now is very different from what I did two years ago, I can still hold onto this.

Right now, I have four days where I don't have to worry, where I can leave the stress behind for a bit.  Today I remember that there are more important things.  Jesus died and took my sin upon Himself so that I could be free. He cares and I can rest in Him.  He will give me the strength for each new day.  I can cling to that.  So can you.  Maybe like me, things are getting harder for you when you thought they would be getting easier.  Whatever you're facing, He can carry you through.  Look to the cross.  Stop and celebrate the Son of God, His death that covered your sin, and His resurrection that defeated death.  Find your rest in Him.

Think Big: The End Goal

I've been slowly making my way through Think Big: Unleashing Your Potential for Excellence by Dr. Ben Carson the past few weeks.  The first half of the book is largely biographical and details Ben's childhood and much of his medical career.  He places a lot of focus on the mentors in his life.  One of his stories in particular has left me with much to think about.

In high school, he had a band teacher, Mr. Doakes, who always pushed his students to give their best and perfect every piece of music they played.  Although Ben always appreciated this teacher and his confidence in his class, other students didn't and even referred to him as a slave driver.  In time, with Mr. Doakes' instruction and encouragement, Ben rose to the top of the class, just like in every other class.

One day, the teacher announced that four students in the class were eligible to audition for a prestigious summer music camp scholarship.  This was a camp that would provide gifted students with heavy-duty instruction and the opportunity of traveling the country and performing under famous directors.  Any student's acceptance into this program also reflected very favourably on his or her band teacher.

Of course, Ben asked Mr. Doakes if he though he was good enough.  Mr. Doakes assured Ben of his confidence that he could win this scholarship.  But when Ben asked if he would recommend him, he said "No."  You see, this teacher knew how well Ben was doing in his academic work and that he wanted to be a doctor.  He knew that the intense music camp would not allow Ben to focus on his other work.  Somewhere down the road, Ben had to make a choice between either music and science/medicine.  Knowing his heart was to be a doctor, the teacher said "No".

As we can imagine, Ben was very disappointed by this.  But walking away, he realized his teacher had done the most caring thing for him.  Mr. Doakes knew Ben's potential and his gift in music, but he also knew that this intense program would require a lot of time and energy and pursuing music to this degree would take away from his ultimate goal of being a doctor.  Although the teacher could have advanced himself through Ben, he was unselfish and told Ben "No", ultimately having his best interest in mind.  As it turns out, Ben's wife received a scholarship to this music camp while she was in high school.

You can gather many things from this story, such as the importance of mentoring and guiding a young person to make right decisions, even when they won't want to hear it.  But what struck me was just the fact that this teacher would not allow Ben to pursue something that would distract from his ultimate goal.  It reminded me of a conversation I had with a mentor several months back.  He basically said that if something does not allow me to fulfill my purpose, then I shouldn't spend time doing it.  That was hard for me to digest.  That meant having to cut some activities out of my life that I liked.

I have a confession to make.  I excel at wasting time and surrounding myself with distractions.  And I don't even have a personal cell phone!  I can procrastinate and avoid tasks I don't like by coming up with a ton of good "reasons" why today is not a good day.  And if I know I really have to do something, I'll do anything to delay, even if it means checking my facebook like ten times even though I know there's nothing new there.  Yeah, it's bad.

If you consider it honestly, very few people in our culture have a clear vision or purpose for their life.  And for the few that do, there are a host of potential distractions to take away from them fulfilling that purpose.  I'm facing that challenge.  It's not that I don't know where I want to go or what I want to do.  But somehow, what should be my free time to pursue those things get filled with an abundance of trivial, unimportant time-wasters and I feel like I have no time. 

There's so many things that can take away from our goals and our relationship with God.  Sometimes the decisions we have to make are hard.  Like Ben, there are things we enjoy and are very talented in, but since they don't contribute to our end goals, then often we have to let go of them to a degree.  It usually doesn't mean that we have to forsake them completely, but we do have to limit the amount of our time and energy they consume.

What is your vision?  Have you identified your purpose or your life goals?  Whether they are spiritual, family, educational or career ambitions, are you pursuing them fully? Or are you letting other trivial things stand in the way?  Sometimes, we have to sacrifice even the things we hold close to us if they don't lead us closer to God and the vision He has given us.  But in the end, I believe we will look back and see that it's worth it.

God Loves Broken People by Sheila Walsh

In God Loves Broken People, Sheila Walsh examines what brokenness is, the painful wounds people experience, and the fierce love God has for us.  She also explains how our brokenness can enable us to serve and reach out to others.   She uses a lot of stories, scriptures, quotes and a Bible study is included in the back of the book.

Something I like about this book is that Sheila understands what pain and brokenness is from personal experience and she's real about it.  She doesn't sugar-coat suffering, suggest the reader should just "suck-it-up", or imply that the reader lacks faith.  She doesn't offer answers to life's tough questions, but she understands the depth of pain and darkness that exists in the world and doesn't undermine it.  The stories and quotes she used gave it variety and I enjoyed it, but at times, it felt as if she borrowed a little too much other material.

Although I liked this book, I couldn't relate to the depth of pain often described.  I discovered how blessed I am in many ways!  To those who have experienced pain and suffering in their lives or are going through a dark time, I would definitely recommend this book.  If life has handed you sunshine and roses, you may still enjoy it, just not be able to relate to it as well.

I received a complimentary copy of this book through Booksneeze.com and was not required to write a positive review.  The opinions expressed are my own.

Giving God Your Dreams

Your dreams are safest in God's hands.  Do you believe that?

I've wrestled through the issue of dreams a lot the past month.  Somehow mine never seem to come true while everyone else's do.  Since when was that fair?

As I've evaluated my life, I noticed again how hard it is for me to surrender my dreams to God and then leave them in His hands.  I really want something, but when I resign myself to the fact that it won't happen, I let my dream fall to the ground, watch it get trampled and die.  Or so I think.

I often think I have let go of dreams, gotten over my disappointments and moved on with my life.  That is, until those dreams are realized in someone else's life.  Then those desires return and I become jealous and sometimes depressed or angry.  There's a child inside of me that stomps and screams "But those were MY dreams!"  (That child doesn't like to share either.)

In the past six months, I have seen or am seeing several of my dreams realized by other people, and many of them are younger than me.  It makes me wonder why.  Why them and not me?  They were all good dreams and I have prayed over every one of them.  So far to each of these, God has said "No" or "Not yet" to me and "Yes" to them.  At times I can't understand why.

I heard someone say once that we should give our dreams to God and let Him give them back to us.  In a sense, our dreams are safest in God's hands.  That's a hard thing to do.  It's hard giving your dreams to God, not knowing when or if you'll ever see them again, not knowing if they'll come true.  But I do believe that's what God wants us to do.  He knows the deepest desires of our hearts better than anyone else.  I've had to give dreams and plans to God not knowing if or how He will give them back to me.  Although I can't always see it, I do have to trust that His plans for my life are best.

In writing this, God brought me to Leslie Ludy's song "Far Beyond".  Although this song is written in the context of romantic dreams, I believe her words can be applied to all of our dreams.  Here's a portion of her lyrics, the rest of which can be seen under the Youtube video I linked to.

Far beyond my deepest heart's desire
Far beyond what I could ever dream
Far beyond my fairy tale imaginations
Is Your perfect plan for me
There's no limit to romance in all its beauty
When the author of love shapes my destiny
Far beyond the most that I could long for
I will find the dreams You have dreamed for me.

I could search forever
I could look for true love everywhere
If all my dreams were answered
They still could not compare
To the beauty of Your ways
And all Your plans for my life
Cause You've been scripting out a story for me
Before the very foundations of time.

Do you believe that? Are you willing to trust that God's dreams for you are the best?  I'll be the first to admit it's hard to do.  They may not seem to be what we're hoping for at the time, but He's painting on a far greater canvas than we can see, and if we trust Him, He promises the end result will be beautiful.

Make it Go Away!

Some readers might think that in light of my last post, this one is out of place.  I was just writing about overcoming sin and now I'm diving into temptation.  Huh?  But I believe it's needful that the two go hand in hand.

Do you think there will ever be a time in your life as a Christian that you will not face temptation?

I said the same thing you probably did.  "I wish!"  Wouldn't life and godliness be so much easier?  (By the way, the Bible says we already have everything we need for that.)  But when I look at scripture, I know that it will never happen and Jesus even said that temptation is needful.  I also see that Jesus faced all the same temptations we do, so why should we be exempt?

When people talk about Jesus being tempted, probably the most referenced passage is Luke 4:1-13.  But it seems sometimes that when I (or others) read this passage, a few details tend to get overlooked.  Here Jesus spent forty days fasting and praying in the wilderness and was tempted by the devil.  Verse 13 says "And when the devil had ended every temptation, he departed from him until an opportune time."  The KJV says "he departed from him for a season."

I see a few important things here.  First of all, it seems that there was a lot more temptation going on during this event than was actually recorded.  And my guess is, if Satan is going to try to get the Son of God to sin, the one man who is out to redeem the world from Satan's evil grip and the curse of sin, he's not going to give up after three attempts.  There was possibly a more intense battle going on here than we read about, and it didn't end here.  Which leads to my second point.  Satan only left Jesus until he had a better opportunity.  We really don't know how much temptation Jesus actually faced in His lifetime, but He too had to face it on an ongoing basis.  And lastly, Jesus went into the wilderness after His baptism being filled with Holy Spirit, and in verse 14 it says that He returned to Galilee in the power of the Spirit.  He went through it all in the power of the Spirit.

You see, sometimes we want to whine and plead with God to just make all this temptation go away and thus end our struggle with sin.  But the fact is, as long as we're living in the flesh and this fallen world, it's just going to happen.  We can't make it go away.  But Galatians 5:16 clearly tells us that if we walk in the Spirit, we will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh.  Through the Spirit's power, we can stand against temptation.

One of the things I find temptation does is keep me humble and I dare say that's a good thing.  I can easily become puffed up thinking I'm more righteous than the next person.  But when I come face to face with hard temptation, I am reminded of my great need for God's grace and that I have to rely on His power to overcome sin.  It reminds me that He is the one who makes me worthy of being His child, because in this flesh, I have no worth of my own.

Yes, temptation will come, but it doesn't mean defeat.  If we yield ourselves to the Spirit of God, we can be overcomers.

Overcoming Sin: The Surrender

As I mentioned in yesterday's update, I've spent some time in recent days just focusing on God and receiving counsel from other people.  During this time, I have experienced God's nearness and a breakthrough in my life.  In part, it came through a story Kevin Abell shared in Alien Love about a young woman struggling with an eating disorder.  When she asked Kevin if what she was doing to her body was a sin, he responded yes, it was a sin.  When I first read her response to that, I cried.  She said, "That's good.  It's good because I know that Jesus has power over sin.  I know that even if I struggle now, I won't have to go through this forever."

Those words have become more real to me as of late, a precious truth.  The truth is Jesus have power over sin!  It doesn't have power over us.  We are dead to sin and Satan is a defeated enemy.  I've spent a lot of time praying for God's help to overcome sin.  And prayed again. And again.  And it seemed like it would never end and I became very discouraged.  It's in times like these when we have to stop praying for God to help us and thank Jesus for the power He has over sin in our lives.  I thought I was doing that, but it wasn't until I surrendered and claimed the power of Christ that I began to experience the joy and peace of freedom.

I came across Louie Giglio's Passion excerpt on rededication.  I used to do the whole rededication thing too.  After awhile the question "When were you saved?" or being asked to share your testimony almost becomes awkward.  (Which date do you give???)  But I try to overcome sin much the same way.  I've thrown that stick in the fire so many times, saying "That's the LAST time I'm ever doing that." I probably could have cut down a whole tree.  It's like Louie says.  "At the end of the day, it takes the wind out of your sails and it takes the hope out of Christianity." 

But there is hope!  There's hope because we can't do it, but we have an amazing Jesus who can, and it's His work in us that cleanses us from sin!

Hebrews 12:1,2
"let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith."

Philippians 1:6
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

He's the one who does the work in us.  We can't.  We have to take our focus off of our sin and look to Jesus, because He is the perfecter of our faith.  He will see that it's completed. We have to stop trying and surrender to Him.  That's where freedom is found.  That's when He restores to us the joy of our salvation and experience the peace only He can give.

Coming Up!

I haven't been here in a couple weeks but I'm here to explain why and give you all a peek of what's coming.  I have been hurting spiritually for quite some time.  For a long time it felt like I was living in defeat, unable to overcome sin, and it seemed no matter how much I prayed, things wouldn't get better.  My spiritual tank was running dry and I was wondering where that left me and this blog.  I'm not here to share the story of a quitter though.

Several days ago, I sensed God leading me to put all my other studies on the shelf (not knowing for how long), take down my copy of Wrestling Prayer by Eric and Leslie Ludy and just focus on my spiritual life for awhile.  And God has blessed me in some amazing ways already in this brief time, through the aforementioned book, through His Word and through some great friends who have walked with and counseled me.  My life is not perfect now and it never will be.  But I have experienced the nearness of God and His power in this time.

Although I didn't intend to write in this time, God has shown me so much, I couldn't help but write and it seems it would be wrong not to share it with you.  I'm not sure what I will all discover yet through this experience, but in the coming days, you can expect articles on overcoming sin, temptation, and dreams.  My hope is that I can share something with readers that will inspire you to take the often difficult but rewarding steps in their Christian walk.

Igniting the Spark

I was reading a book this morning and the author mentioned someone with the nickname "Sparky".  Then somehting hit me and I stopped reading right there!  I used to be called "Sparky" by a few, but it's been long forgotten.  I'm not sure now who started it, but a few friends picked up on it.  It characterized my attitude I think.  I'm not sure it was a good thing.  It would have meant having a short fuse, snapping easily, etc.  I hope this isn't as noticeable of my life anymore, but I know those tendencies still lurk beneath the surface.  To be "sparky" doesn't have to be bad though.  If I use this characteristic differently, it could have a dramatic impact on the people around me.  It's a positive sparky attitude!

A few months ago, I began working with a mentor to discover the difference I was to make with my life.  After what seemed to be a grueling hour, the answer I came up with left me saying "But that's only the starting point!"  It kind of frustrated me.  In a way, my answer, my difference, seemed insignificant, but I realized that it was only with that in place that everything else could follow.

As I was thinking about this today, I recalled an incident last year when I was walking to work and thinking about this same thing.  A single word comes to mind from my thought processes that morning.  Catalyst.  One of the definitions Dictionary.com provides for this word is "a person or thing that precipitates an event or change."  Or in chemistry, it's the substance that causes or accelerates a reaction.  In a sense, the impact I make on other people's lives is only meant to be a catalyst.  But it's that catalyst, that "spark" if you will, that causes everything else to happen.

I want my life to ignite a spark in the lives of others.  In order to do that, I must first ignite the spark in my own.  I have to be willing to step out, think big, embrace change, take risks and refuse to quit unless God makes it clear something is not His will.  If I want to show others there's more to be had in life, if I want them to strive after greater things, I must first show them with my life.  My life is not at all glamorous by the common standard, but people have been looking at my life recently and asking "How....?"  That's what I should be hearing.  I'm still asking myself that question! There's a great story to it.  But there would be no story if I chose to shrink back and play it safe.  If I played it safe, that spark likely wouldn't ignite.

What kind of impact do you wish to have in the lives around you?  What kind of changes do you want to see?  Is your life demonstrating it?  Do you cause a desire in others for that change?  You must first ignite the spark in your own life.  Only then can you spread the flame.