Do you ever feel like you don't know what you want? Do you have multiple desires that you can't have all at the same time or that directly contradict each other? Do you have decisions to make and can't decide what to do?
I'm in that place right now. Actually, I've been here for a long time. But now I feel the even greater pressure of it. I have to make decisions. Big, possibly life-altering decisions. I'm dealing with excitement and massive fears as I consider the possibilities and wonder what will happen.
To an extent, I'm in a season in my life right now that I've long wanted. I have extra time to spend at home, time to read, write, think, study different books, cook, bake, etc. and yet, I'm not quite satisfied. I can't help but wonder if I'm not simply catering to myself, my own wants and desires. Am I not supposed to be using this time, to serve, to give, to sacrifice my own desires for others? Is that not what God has called us too? Was I not created for more than I'm living right now, and deep down, don't I desire that?
Don't get me wrong. I do desire to serve God and other people, to use this time in my life to further His kingdom. But can I do both? Can I really strive to fulfill my own desires and serve God at the same time? As much as I want to and insist there must be a way to make it all work, or a perfect balance, I haven't found it yet. I doubt it exists.
At some point, I have to sacrifice something. As I look at my desires, options and various possibilities for my life, I realize that all of them will require sacrifice somewhere. Whether it's time, finances, job security, or my countless wants and selfish pleasures, at some point, I will have to let go of some or all of those things.
I have to decide what I want and what I will do. But more than that, I have to decide what truly matters in life. I have to decide whether I will follow my own agenda or surrender to whatever plans God has for me and give myself for His cause.
It's not an easy choice. I can't sit on the fence my whole life. I have to decide. You have to decide.